Wednesday, May 30, 2007

You might live in Everott if...

` Note: This draft has been waiting since May 1 (for me to put up the last post). I hope it's been well worth it....

` After living for nearly a year in the ghetto of Everett (Ever-rott) without engaging in all the fun criminal activities, I've come to many realizations about my situation, presented here Jeff Foxworthy-style:

` If you have to check around your car for hypodermic needles before pulling out of your parking space, you might live in Everott.

` If there are more than five computer monitors in your dumpster, you might live in Everott.

` If your neighbor sells his car three times in three months to support his drug habit, you might live in Everott.

` If someone tells you they bought something 'brand new' from a meth head for about 1/20th the retail price and it turns out to be yours, you might live in Everott.

` If there are retirement home residents jumping out of their windows, you might live in Everott.

` If you discover that your apartment house has been the site of multiple meth labs, you might live in Everott.

` If you know all the bums by name, you might live in Everott.

` If you can pay $450 for rent and still have your own bathroom and kitchen, you might live in Everott.

` If your neighbor can pick up three hundred specks of white stuff off the floor in thirty seconds, you might live in Everott.

` If the smell changes dramatically between the time you left your apartment and the time you've returned, you might live in Everott.

` If the multi-jurisdictional plainclothes officer that patrols your block knows you by name because you're a 'good guy', you might live in Everott.

` If you're walking along a busy street and see someone breaking into a house on the front porch in broad daylight, you might live in Everott.

` If you have to keep your window open all winter just to keep the air breathable, you might live in Everott.

` If your most reliable car mechanic is a crackhead, you might live in Everott.

` If you can't fit your garbage in the dumpster because someone's been evicted, you might live in Everott.

` If you can't walk across your yard because someone's been evicted, you might live in Everott.

` If you get pulled over by a cop while rollerblading, you might just live in Everott.

` If there's a guy running down the street with a pit bull, yelling 'Killlll' and you know him, you might live in Everott.

` If your apartment house has seen two world wars and looks like it, you might live in Everott.

` If someone offers your neighbor a thousand dollars to kill your other neighbor, you might live in Everott.

` If you hear gunshots and don't turn your head right away, you might live in Everott.

` If you hear a gun being fired downstairs and don't worry about whoever the gun was aimed at, you might live in Everott.

` If you can't find a parking space because someone in your building is throwing a crack party, you might live in Everott.

` If you see people dressed for 90-degree weather when it's only 40 degrees out, you might live in Everott.

` If your electricity goes out every time your neighbor vacuums, you might live in Everott.

` If your car frequently gets into accidents when you're not around, you might live in Everott.

` If you're nodding your head through all of this, you might live in Everott. Whoever you are, I pity you and suggest that you find a crumbling little cottage or some such to escape to. Unless you enjoy the stress.

4 comments:

Galtron said...

That's somehow really funny, in a disturbing way. (Those aren't all true, are they?)

barman said...

When I moved to the area I am in now to take the job I am at, the first place I lived was OK. I did not know at the time that there were a lot of people on assisted living at the time. Well when my roof started to leak and no amount of complaining seemed to make a difference I should have take note and moved. Well after a while my car started to get picked on. The last straw, the car was keyed WHILE IT WAS PARKED IN THE GARAGE.

Within a month I was out but not before I started to noticed all sorts of neat things like you mentioned. I probably could have done a Michigan version of the Foxworthy list myself. Thank goodness I got out. I hope you do too soon or have done so already.

S E E Quine said...

` Thanks! Yeah, we'll be getting out of here when the dough starts rolling in.
` He he he! Don't'cha just love it?

` And yes, Galtron, they're all true, plus I forgot to mention my whole mail getting stolen fiasco.

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