Friday, April 06, 2007

A Month in the Wookey Hole

` HOLY SNAP!! Totally Insane Backyard Breaking News! An 82-year-old man has, by all appearances, jumped out of his second story window at the nursing home and into our backyard!! He landed somewhere on the near side of the fence in the vicinity pictured below (it's dark now, of course - Crappy Digital Photo lifted from my lengthy Flooding to Snowing post.):

` At 20:41 (8:41 pm) tonight, B-Dizzle reported that he was out on the front porch when he heard a feeble cry; "Help me! Help me!" coming from an utterly dark area by the fence of the nursing home next door. Concerned, he followed the pleas and found an elderly man on the ground, scratched up and bloodied among the evergreen trees. He helped the man to get back on his feet while he explained that he was being held captive in the nursing home.
` (Meanwhile, I was sitting here, finishing up the end of this blog post and wondering what all the noise was about!)
` Maybe he was being held captive and maybe he wasn't; regardless B-Dizzle hurried around to the other side of the fence to alert the nursing home staff. As the man was being helped by B-Dizzle and the staff members back to the nursing home, he crouched below the level of the home's front fence, saying; "If we just keep low, I just might have a chance of escaping!"
` My reaction: Wow. Now that is newsworthy: The utter mental instability leaching from this dingy ghetto apartment house has actually made someone in the nearest building go absolutely bonkers. I'm so glad we're moving and am so glad Lou has a diabolical business plan to thwart the Evil Boss Man and make tons of money! (You'll see! It's totally awesome!)

` ...And if you were wondering, I did not just make that story up! B-Dizzle really did foil the escape plans of a trapped old man, and I really did spend fifteen minutes of my valuable time writing about it! Otherwise I would not have further mangled my strange and unusual presentation!

` So without further jade plants, chimichangas and (hopefully) senile elderly persons jumping from windows, I'll tune you back to your regularly-scheduled blog post:

` This post began almost a month ago, and curiously, has now come full circle. Mainly, it deals with craziness going on around here which I haven't bothered to post before - a lot of utter insanity and truly bizarre gossip (the only kind I care about), much of it being rather amusing if I don't say so myself. Plus, an ice fight! Whoo!
` I was reluctant to post some of this mostly because it tends to make people scairt, although as you will see, things get brighter and happier, mostly because Lou's brilliant schemes kick ass! So, assuming you're brave enough, I suggest you take this trip down the...

` (That's right good stuff, by the way!)

'Prologue': March 9, 2007, 21:30 (9:30 pm)

` Probably the most important piece of news is that Lou and I are finally moving from the ghetto-un-fab Dingy White House we live in.
` There are many reasons for this; one is that Lou's identity has been stolen and thousands of dollars in his checks have been cashed in Alabama! (We don't think it's 'Bama Boy, though.) That pissed us off something awful!
` On top of that, B-Dizzle's just had some DVDs, boxers, shoes and other things stolen by someone who has his keys. Right now, the two of them are bullshitting about work. Lou, who has just picked up his check in person from his boss... well, Boss Man just had to say something shitty; "What have you contributed to us?"
` For one thing, he's been getting them jobs! I've seen him at work - he called his one lady and made a sale right there! ...And just after that he called this other lady, explained that they were inspecting trailers for free, and she said; "We're not selling it!" and hung up!
` What the....!? We had a good laugh about that.
` As I was saying, little does Boss Man know but Lou has already quit on this one day when he had called Lou in front of everyone else and chewed him out, making up a bunch of shit about him. Everyone else was like; "First of all, why do we have to be here to watch him dress Lou down? Second of all, I know that stuff he's saying ain't right!"
` We think this is because Lou knows how to keep track of things and isn't dependent on the Boss Man for everything. He basically gets blamed for whatever the Boss Man feels like blaming him for. Even his supervisor, whom I'll call Joke, agrees with Lou about what's happening. However, when he told Lou to get eight jacks and he did so, Joke chewed him out for not getting sixteen! What sense does that make? Of course he's an incompetent retard and has a horrible memory and slacks off a bunch, so I don't think there's any real pending explanation.
` Funny story; for the longest time this Joke guy had to pump the brakes on his truck to get them to even work, and refused to do anything about it! (He used the ten-dollar quick-fix he got last June as an excuse not to get them repaired nine months later; "Dave said he fixed it!") Then, he was really surprised when he careened through an intersection, pinged around like a pinball, hit a car with a sixteen and twelve year old in it (who were shaken but not stirred) and still had to wait for the truck to roll to a stop!
` There was much laughter at his expense - thank goodness no one was hurt!
` But I digress - back to Lou's boss: What's almost more insulting is that the Boss Man insisted that Lou dig a ditch when he was experiencing severe 'pain in the butt' from an old injury, even though everyone else was volunteering to do it for him - one even offered to bring his backhoe! Poor Lou! When he came home after digging that ditch, he could barely walk!
` He limped around for three days because it was so painful he couldn't even put his full weight on one leg - and of course, he couldn't work in that condition! He informed the boss of this, so then for an entire week after he was able to walk again, the Boss Man kept telling him that there was no work at all - even though there was! - choosing instead to give Lou's would-be jobs to other employees who were much lower on the totem pole!
` That really steamed poor Lou when he caught wind of this! And it wasn't over; after that, he had to look elsewhere for work because neither Boss Man nor Joke would answer their phones or call back when he left messages asking them whether or not they wanted him to work on something!
` ...Ehhhh what? It's not like he was rude to them or anything!
` On a related note, B-Dizzle has actually quit his job at Chevron because Boss Man (it's the same guy!) and the other employees have treated him terribly and blamed all drug paraphernalia on him (he asked; "why don't you just look at the surveillance cameras to see who's leaving those?"), and as I've mentioned before, made him work while he had strep throat and pneumonia for two weeks! (Which I described in this varied and colorful post.) He got so sick that he wound up in the emergency room and had to have fun fluids pumped through his veins.
` What's even more annoying is that Boss Man won't pay the hospital bills (that's plural!) which amount to well over a thousand dollars! Similarly, he won't pay Lou's bill from when that rogue nail plunged into his metacarpal!

` Well, as X-Dan might say, Boss Man is fired! That reminds me, I may also fire Sprint, as they sent me a text message saying I owed them $280 eight days after I paid my last bill. Luckily, it was just a mistake on their part - they forgot to take off the roaming charges! (We have long known that our apartment is a 'roaming area' for us! Pfffft!)

` Hey, check it out; B-Dizzle (a.k.a. Gangsta B) was just watching his door from our door - on the lookout for a certain meth-head who likes stealing mail and personal belongings - when our neighbor on the other side, who was leaving for work at the prison, walked past. B-Dizzle said, "Hey, how you doin'? Tell everyone I said 'hi'!"
` Bwaaaaaa haaaaa haaaaa haaaaaaaa!

April 6, 2007, 7:45 pm

` Much has happened since I wrote the above and I want to confirm that, though Lou did go into a phase of 'it isn't so bad here', he has now gone back into 'you're right, it's bad here' mode and we are most definitely moving out this time!
` The straw that broke the camel's back was probably sometime after my computer's battery backup actually caught on fire after my most strange birthday party (which I'll make a post about later)! While I was a bit stressed about that (is our electricity that bad?), we discovered that B-Dizzle tricked me into giving him ten dollars to buy a hockey jersey for Lou, which I later learned that he told B-Dizzle he didn't want.
` Newsflash: He's just paid me back, so that's coo'.
` Update on Newsflash: He just tried to sell me a car battery charger to get his ten bucks back! WTF?
` Luckily, Lou has found a lovely crumbling little cottage in the country that's going to be torn down in a year (so the land can be made into a housing development) and we absolutely fell in love with it! Lou is soon to propose to the owner that he will make it habitable in exchange for reduced rent. I really hope this deal pans out! It's such a nice place!
` So, we're escaping the madness! Hooray! Drop the balloons!!!!
` In other 'Dingy White House' politics news, everyone has been keeping more to themselves. For example it's been a while since we stopped hanging out with the crazy woman in 4 - and she really is crazy to be going out with the meth-head in 2! How did she manage to sever association? She spread nasty rumors about Lou! (I wonder if it has anything to do with our not liking Mr. Meth-head?)
` Disturbingly, her kids - who don't really know us - are still into the habit of hugging us whenever we walk by! The little one, especially, squeals whenever she sees us - even if we're sitting in the car with the doors open, and will even run out her door and up to the car just to wrap her arms around us and then run back! We figure that the kids must not like their own mom and Mr. Meth-head very much.
` (That must be what I was referring to at the top of this post - 'even the crazy guy in #3 seems normal!')
` Yeah... there certainly is a lot of craziness around, though not all of it is frustrating or sad! As Lou and I have our own post office box now (surely the suspect meth-head won't be able to steal checks now!), we were getting our mail one day and happened to walk by this seriously mentally ill woman;
` Wearing gigantic sunglasses and somewhat sloppy makeup, we not only heard phrases like 'please bless this mail', but we also heard snippets of her one-ended conversation such as 'don't let the CIA interfere' and something about protecting the Jews from the Irish Mafia. Then, when we were walking back to the door, she was cleaning the box out with a wet nap!
` Okay... I guess that is sad. But I vote for more funny than sad! It's... it's... dark humor! On a much darker note, however, we were talking to this teenage guy at the library who was telling us about killing people with his homies in a canyon and not getting caught because there are so many bodies already there.
` He actually said that he witnessed one of his friends gouging a guy's throat (presumably an ememy) with a spoon, because 'they were bored', and that it was so traumatic he had trouble watching the blood and gore and agony and all. Uhhhh... I would too! But instead of being too horrified to speak with him, we wound up discussing the benefits and drawbacks of being shot versus being stabbed.
` 'Kay, that's emphatically not funny. So, moving on to more neutral territory I must mention that we also saw the second Silvertips game of the season (March 25) with Lou's friend and one of the friend's friends. I cannot emphasize how interactive hockey games are, it's incredible!
` There are these games in which you can partake to win stuff, though we didn't get a chance to participate in any of the freebies. I really liked the parts where, when a penalized Spokane guy would be allowed back into the game the announcer would say morosely, "...and the Chiefs are back in full power..." because then we got to yell "...and they still suck!"
` There was much aggression and ice and men whose nutsacks probably had a terrific smell (professionally known as 'nutmeg'), not to mention pucks flying into the air and into the bleachers, looking ever so much like a black, flat version of a grand slam.
` And guess what? After much fierce playing, not long into Sudden Death Mode, the Tips won!! That was so cool that I stopped being disappointed that there hadn't been any brawls - but then... well, you can watch for yourself! (The camera was above us, and I think that's us in the shot, but it's hard to tell!)

` That was a real bench-clearer! The camera doesn't show much of it, but I was really getting a kick out of the two guys trying to punch each other in the face!

` Hmmmm... is there anything I'm missing? Oh yeah!!! Happy job freedom day for Lou! I even saw it happen; Boss Man was bitching at Lou over the phone so loud I could hear it. Lou was saying "no, that's not... I didn't... well then, you must be talking about a completely different job..." This is what had transpired:
` Lou had been on a job where it was his job to finish and paint ten window frames in a room, which took about five hours (which is pretty normal). Boss Man was insisting that there were only two windows in the room, so therefore Lou had no business taking five hours! When Lou tried to tell him just how many windows there were, Boss Man said "why do you always lie to me about these things?"
` That was it. Lou had evidently been far too polite with the man, not once punching a hole in his face nor even being curt with him for talking all that crap about him. "Well, fuck you!" he yelled and snapped the phone shut.
` Yes, he was bad enough to drive a man to quit.
` And that wasn't the last time this kind of thing has happened to Boss Man - just yesterday, Lou was on the phone with another of his former co-workers - a more valuable one, at that - who told a tale of Boss Man being so aggravating that he couldn't help saying; "Back the fuck up or I'll beat the shit out of you, you piece of shit!"
` I don't think he quit, but at least the guy shut Boss Man up for a while! It is no wonder he has so many incompetent, substance-abusing losers working for him! They're the only ones who are willing to put up with it! This leads us to believe that Boss Man prefers guys like that so he can yell at them, and if they aren't losers, they get to go bye-byes.
` The best thing about Lou's decision to take the plunge is that he is in the process of starting his own business and is planning to steal some of Boss Man's best employees (who can't stand him) out from under his nose! So, let it be known that Lou Ryan will find some way to screw you if you really, really piss him off!
` Hmmm. That gets me thinking - a few months ago a collection company told Lou that he still owed Cingular money (from when he had a phone account under his mom's name), despite the fact that they had sent him no bills. So, he paid them with a money order and then called back to make sure they got the payment.
` However, they dragged their feet and so she wound up getting a bad credit score when she was looking to buy a house. Even so, she managed to get a loan anyway. Just a few days ago, the same collection company called him up again, claiming that no, they hadn't gotten his money after all and when was he going to pay it?
` Okay, he sent them a money order! As he can't seem to find the receipt, he's not getting that money back! What the hell is with these people? But a more important question may be; what evil plan might Lou come up with to take them down? Only time will tell....
` Mua ha ha!
` For the time being, his mom - having gotten her loan - said "screw them! They don't matter anymore!"

` Oh, and remember how Boss Man won't pay for his nail-in-hand injury bills? Well, he at first offered 300 of the $1,300 he owes - assuming Lou would be that desperate - and Lou has managed to work the price up to $750.
` Will he be able to 'mechanic' the price higher? (Reference.) Or will he accept it? Only time will tell....

` On the lighter side of things, and to completely change the subject, I just remembered that I have come across a creative way for an addict to quit smoking. It was, strangely, in a book containing all of the scant evidences we have left of the dodo bird's existence - I don't remember what it was called because I read it in about four hours. (It's very scant, evidently.)
` Very vividly I recall a picture of an attractive guy, able to keep himself chewing on gum instead of smoking cigarettes by focusing on making a statue of a dodo bird with the chewed wads, next to his creation. It was very nice!
` His message was; "I don't want to go extinct!" I thought that was so cool.

` That had nothing to do with anything and I'm proud!

` I am also pleased to announce the discovery that Lou's prick is as large as the giant squid that was nearly captured alive that one time. I don't care to explain that one, but it's true and has nothing to do with having sex!

` OH YEAH!! One more really odd thing that's happened, just today in fact; after I came back from my sun-enjoyment photography excursion (another post, I promise!), I discovered that Lou had gone out on a sun-enjoyment rollerblading session when I got a call from Karli - or so I had thought!
` I said; "Karli!" and Lou said "no, it's me! I found this phone on the ground by the college and I was surprised to find that you were on the recent calls list!"
` Isn't that freaky?
` So, I'm holding Karli's phone hostage for a little while because she is apparently at some kind of Con for the weekend and I can't give it back to her just yet.
` Luckily, her mom's going to get it from me at some point because after finding her house empty, her mom called and was so glad I had the phone and not some random stranger. I then turned the phone off to make sure it wouldn't ring any more.

` Well, I must go now, much important weekend homework needs to get itself done, and it needs my help!


Iris VonKornea said...

Well, of course he tried to escape! Haven't you been listening to any of us at Willowbrooke? This place is a shithole!

Galtron said...

I can't say I blame the guy!

Hey, that's a looooong post there, Spoony! Even for you! (I think it's the lack of pictures every few paragraphs.)
Weird story about the phone. It MEANS something!!!!!!

And Jeez-- so glad Lou may get back at his boss! That guy sounds craaaazy!

Galtron said...

P.S. good luck at moving to Kirkland! Does that mean your cottage is 'Signature' material? (If you know what I mean...)

S E E Quine said...

` That's what I thought, Iris. Shall I rally the troops?

` Interesting point, Galtron, but as far as I know, Kirkland signature products are for the same high quality for less money; that's how it works.
` This house is not only crumbling but can only come at a discount price if Lou spends a lot of his free time this month making it habitable without pay.
` So, I somehow don't think it's Kirkland Signature brand. But that's just a guess.

Dan said...

This post is longer than the Bible ... and much more entertaining. I'm going to have to come back and finish it later. :)

Happy Easter or Passover or whatever Spoony!

G-Man said...

So spoony, did you believe the teenager about the canyon killings?

Iris VonKornea said...

Yes dear, you should. Lord knows, nobody listens to me, what with all the coloreds in charge.

S E E Quine said...

` Thanks Dan, and I'm glad you've escaped from the aliens!

` G-Man, that's a good question - knowing all the stuff that goes on around here, it's definitely a possibility.

` Oh, Iris, I know; mixing coloreds with whites is usually a bad idea because they keep tainting them... unless you turn the settings to 'cold water wash'.
` I'll send the service (laundry, that is) right in!

Anonymous said...

Hello Miss Quine,

Great to see you back and out of the wookey hole. It's no place for a young lady.

I hope your Easter was pleasant and eggy.

monado said...

Hi, there! Someone told me once that older guys drift back to their wartime experiences and think they are prisoners: fight the nurses, refuse medical treatment, try to

Speaking of food, check out ERV's post on pseudoscience in "What Would Jesus Eat?"

And check out the next post down... she seems to be growing fluorescent bacteria. I think you two will get along fine....

S E E Quine said...

` Thank you, Winters! My Easter was wonderful and the resurrected Marlin Brando even gave me his autograph!

` Thanks for the link, Mondao!!!

Iris VonKornea said...

Don't be such a sassypants, See Quine!

locomocos said...

iris - you sure are spicey!

What a crazy story - and good for Lou!

Let's see some photos of this crumbling cottage!!!

S E E Quine said...

` My pants will be as sassy as I like, Iris!
` Oh yeah, have the troops taken care of the problem at Willowbrooke yet?

` Cassie! So good to see... a picture of you, anyway! I do indeed have photos of the crumbling cottage and they will be up at some point!
` Unfortunately, I don't think the owner is going to bite at Lou's offer - at least we haven't heard back from him!
` Pssssh! Come on!! He offered them nothing but a reduced rent in exchange for fixing everything himself with a very inexpensive plan!
` How could that be less lucrative than spending thousands of dollars paying for someone to do it and then hoping he makes the money back?

` ...I said Mondao before! Ha ha! I made a typo!

Joey M. said...

As a fellow Barnes & Barnes fan, you should have called it "A Month in the Sewey Hole".

S E E Quine said...

` Ummmm, okay. Do you have any photos of Sewey Holes?

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