Saturday, September 29, 2007

Proud to be a Slaverian guard! (Finally!)

` Now that my internet has returned this morning, tail between its legs, whimpering like it knows it's done something wrong, I have many things to tell you about my movie-shooting adventures, which I had while freezing my butt off in... actually, less than one of these goofy costumes:

` Man, I could have had a real Half-Nekkid Thursday, there! Darn server!

` ...But first I must mention that right now I have a purring furball on my lap, and she is LOVING my armpits! (And now she is LOVING the cursor on my computer screen! Get down!)
` I also must mention that last night after coming home from the YMCA, Superhero Lou Ryan and I watched some baseball stadium fireworks from our window. That was normal enough, though after the cacophony was over we could hear nothing but the sweet sound of car alarms going off all over Everett!
` The night before that, Lou Ryan played the same guitar that Country Joe had played at Woodstock - also at the YMCA! Apparently Mike, one of the Y members, played at Woodstock or something so he got to know Country Joe and Neil Young.
` That's historically significant, right?

` And now, onto my movie-shooting adventures! One note; because the scene I did for Art vs. Porn (described in this hilarious post) was too controversial, it had to be cut from the movie. So, it looks like Jarett was traumatized for nothing - but at least I still got my hundred bucks!
` Though I was cut from one movie, I was finally added to... Quadrant 42 (Harwen productions)! As you may recall from the last time I showed up for this shoot, the forces that be did all sorts of odd things throughout the day to keep the Slaverian guard costumes from the set. Rather than have us run around naked, the shoot was rescheduled.
` As for the shoot last Sunday - so I've been waiting six days to tell you this! - I woke up at 2:45 in the morning... because my phone was ringing. It was a certain actor with a holiday-oriented name, let's just say. (My censoring of her boobies was lamented by many.) Lou Ryan was the one who answered my phone and he reported that she sounded genuinely surprised that I, the person who hates staying up, the person who had to get up in three hours, was asleep.
` Oh, kay....
` Why did she call? Well, I had received an email from a crew member, Vera, about whether or not I could pick this girl up... long story short, I called her a few times and she didn't answer and I couldn't leave her a message - I also emailed her about this. Then her phone was either off or out of range, so I didn't get a hold of her.
` Finally, when I got up at five, the first thing I did was call her back - this time it sounded like she had been asleep! She told me to forget about it and that she'd find a way there.
` I kissed Lou goodbye and left home at about 5:30, was called again by this girl - who said to not tell Harry about our earlier conversation - and finally arrived at the Hotel That Shall Remain Nameless at about 7:07 (photo from last time - at 8:08 o_O!).

` It still looked like that, too, except colder and mistier. Harry and Wendy (a.k.a. Har and Wen) were at the trailer with their tiny bulldog. I told him I was sorry, but I didn't bring the girl, and he said that was okay because she called him at five in the morning and had no idea where she even was, so he had told her 'don't bother coming'.
` Aha. Whatever was going on with her, it sounds like she was a nervous wreck - what a bummer!
` As for the rest of us, we sat down at the Pancake House and I had parts of various breakfasts while three other girls and some more crew members showed up. There was a lot of jokes, relaxed conversation and discussion of the movie, plus I learned that the cool artist guy with the beret who made the props was also the guy who wrote this book I sort of read called Punk Chicken!
` Thusly, it dawned on me: This man sitting to my left - this man who is a brilliant artist and also prop guy for Quadrant 42, whose beautiful home and artwork has been nationally publicized - this man was the homeless guy in that book!
` I sputtered; "What?!?! I used to go to a coffee shop in Snohomish all the time and I saw that book on the shelf and read a different chapter every time I went, but I never bought it!" (Can you blame me? The beverages are expensive enough, and I only bought them to get online.)
` Please check it out: Punk Chicken (And Other Stories) is his own humorous collection of somewhat true stories of adventures, hard times, wacky hijinks and weird critters on the streets. He also has a really cool-looking art website himself - Stephen!
` What's really funny is that someone was talking to him about the book, telling him his own life, and had no idea that Steve was the author! He just let him go on his way....
` Also, I think this might be the ray gun that's being used in the film! The one that the holiday-name girl used; apparently, she had been filmed before on a day I was planning to go on and they told me not to come!
` Apparently I wasn't needed, though I'd thought it was because of the weather! (Every time a shoot would be canceled I'd curse the skies!)

` Dear Lord! Now the other purring furball is on my lap and she has gas! Arrrrrrgh!

` Wow, you know I haven't even gotten to the fun bit yet! Well, it was fun! In fact, I'm in the middle of drawing a couple of pictures of it because I didn't have my camera. ...Yes, I'm not allowed to post photos from the shoot, but no one said anything about drawing, heh heh!
` First thing we did was go to the park and get our makeup and wigs on - and then our costumes, because those were there this time! I was expecting them to be more like the photo at the top of my page, though they were actually skimpier, with no nylons!
` I also had different shoes than the rest - my feet had been too big for the shoes last time. I'm actually glad we didn't shoot then because now that I had shoes I got to be the flag-bearing girl just behind Tiffani (the girl who plays the leader - in the orange wig and the catsuit).
` Though our bodies themselves may have been hot, we were freezing our buns off! I mean, here we are wobbling around in high heels at a fricking park on a mountain, wearing glorified underwear, and it's 45 degrees (that's 7.2ยบ Celsius)! Can you say 'nippin' out'? (Wroth did a bunch - we were! Alternately, we could have been called the 'goosebump girls'.)
` We had no skirts at all, to speak of. As I commented for the behind the scenes video, "This isn't a miniskirt! It's a rubber band!" (But at least we had other black underwear that went over ours.) And the tops? Very small tie-on bikinis-things! So small, in fact, that some of the other girls' boobs kept falling out!
` I love being a 32A.
` Oh, and since there were only four girls to begin with, Harry recruited Vera. That was entertaining, considering she was used to telling other people what to do. At last, she got to suffer as well! Mua ha ha ha!

` Michael also showed up at the park... you remember Michael, don't you? (He's playing Yohan, the gay cook.)

` He's a fun guy. His hair was longer than usual, though, and it was having trouble standing up on its own - which means there'll be a minute in the film where his hair is longer, then shorter again!
` I was jealous of him for having a robe, though the reason he had the robe was because... remember? He was wearing only spandex underwear, a cape like ours, and a little bit of black silicon tape - a prisoner outfit for the Slaverians' amusement, I take it. We were really impressed that his nipples didn't pierce their way through the tape!
` Anyway, besides all the shivering, there was so much joking around - especially sexually-oriented things. Oh, don't ever get me going with that stuff! I think I singlehandedly met the behind-the-scenes footage quota of humor and sexual-oriented things. (Maybe it'll wind up here sometime!)
` Much to my delight, there were some really cold times where Michael and I were clinging to one another for warmth - sure, warmth - and one really bizarre instance where we were rubbing our backs together. You know... to generate heat? We had some real fun with that, as you can imagine.

` When was that, anyway? I think that was the first thing we were filming - well, Michael wasn't in it, but me and the girls were carrying around our plastic pipes with silver-painted plastic candy dishes on some gravel.
` It wasn't too hard to navigate in my heels on the gravel, though I kept stepping on my cape. Great thing is, there were people walking by the entire day, so when I saw two teenaged-looking guys, I said "Hey, boys!" and waved at them.
` Originally, Vera was playing the guard who gets shot (so she could stop doing this nonsense), though her boobs fell out and she didn't want anyone to see that. So then, this girl who does movie stunts for a living actually did it - now that was some good falling, there! (Her boobs fell out too, as I recall....)
` I'm glad I didn't try harder to show I could be that girl because I showed Vera and she was so impressed she got Harry, and just as I was about to fall again, Wendy yelled at us about risking my makeup!
` I guess that means I could still be used elsewhere in the film! Wheee!

` Then what? Well, after that, another girl joined our ranks, so there were six Slaverian guards total!

` I probably shouldn't talk about the plot any, though it had to do with chasing Yohan. You know, because he's an escaped prisoner. (Why else would he be wearing tape in the wilderness? Ya know?)
` In one important scene we were shooting by a path where we kept having to let all these park visitors by between takes. I bet it was a bit nerve-wracking recording with quickly-drained batteries and the knowledge that at some angles any random people could inadvertently appear in the background as they come around the corner.
` Luckily at that time, the sun was starting to come out and some of us half-nekked people rushed to the clearing, arms outstretched, using our capes as makeshift solar panels.
` Oh yeah, and I actually had a line! I'm not sure if it came out the greatest, but at least I had a line! And instead of a light spear/gun, I had this super-cool (= freezing cold) flag - it had a nice, shiny metal pole to compound my frostbite with a silver-spraypainted car funnel at the top to make it look more like a lance.

` Meanwhile, Vera was crouched on the ground wrapped in her coat because she couldn't take the heat of the cold. Tee heee heeeeeeee! She complained about stuff the entire time - she was by far the whiniest one there, I'd have to say.
` This is why I'm so glad I had my Ritalin with me - I had so much focus I didn't even complain once, I don't think! (What would have happened without it, I shudder to think, but I would have been 'out of it' for sure!)
` I don't think Michael complained either. Then again, he wasn't wearing heels! I must say he made a magnificent gay cook! While I'm not really into Michael, I can't help but comment that it's a good thing Yohan isn't real. You know, because I might wind up raping him. With my mouth.
` Speaking of being orally attacked, the first purring furball is back and she is trying to eat my buttons!

` Anyway, we had good times. There was this one part where we got to shoot on a hill with no trees, so there was plenty of sunlight. Michael and I were prancing around while most of the other girls were sitting and shivering. In fact, Vera had transformed into a big, black egg of some sort, though she promised not to leap on our faces.
` And, though it's illegal to have bicycles or anything around (in case they damage the ground around the paths, presumably), a couple of motorbikers came tearing up over the hill. Nice move, guys! In fact, there were lots of people on bikes and scooters who were gawking at us.
` Which reminds me, this is when we got out the generator - which can only be transported via wagon - which was sitting on a wagon on the path so it didn't tear up the grass. Then this guy - who was riding a bike along with his son - started complaining that the generator for our 'stupid movie' was in the way of his daughter's tricycle on their way around and around the lake.
` Wendy told him that she could move the generator, and that it was illegal to ride bikes through there. He said "My daughter's only three!" and she said; "So, how old are you?" Then, he started being a real asshole, so she informed him that he was being a real asshole.
` Then - get this! - he called 9-1-1 and told the police that we were doing all kinds of illegal things like camping and building bonfires! Oooohhhhh kay. Whatever his trip is, nobody else wants to go!

` There was genuinely funny stuff too, though - like all the, um, sexual humor I mentioned. It looks like I've waited too long to write it down, but it was good. (There are a couple of things I remember that I'm drawing, but I don't want to spoil them!) One thing I said to the behind-the-scenes camera was something like, "Get me in front of a camera and I'll say anything - if I'm dressed like a slut!"
` I had the one guy laughing so hard he was practically rolling on the ground!
` You had to be there. But I'll tell ya, the funniest thing I remember hearing was after the sun was sliding behind the mountains, when Harry said, "Gee, I'm getting kind of freezing!"
` Us girls all looked at him, nipples now in a near-frozen state, and said, "No, you're not."
` Aaa haaa haaa haaa! That was about when I couldn't walk because I needed to sit down, but I kept being dragged places and my feet were turning into burnsickles. I think the only time I snapped at all was when Wendy was taking our pictures in the last light by the lake, and I was happy where my feet were. Then she asked me to move and I growled, "Why?"
` My poor feet - keep in mind, one of them is deformed and didn't fit into the shoe very well. I'm so glad they didn't fall off! (My feet, though, not the shoes.)
` I also made the blooper reel around that time, when I was supposed to be charging with my flagpole. Well, I stepped on the flag or something and it took a nosedive, taking me with it! That was pretty good.
` At least I didn't slip in the next thing we did - going down a gravelly hill! Nor did I once twist my ankles! I'm so proud! And here I thought that walking in heels over rough terrain would be difficult - not being used to them or anything.
` Turns out that the hardest part of it all... was acting like it was 80 degrees!

` It was a hell of a thing that holiday girl missed - It was nine o'clock when I got back home!

` Well, I should really stop writing here because a) I have a life to live, b) a homework assignment to do, and c) a science blog to get to as well!
` Oh, and pretty soon, I'm going to be scaring people in the cornfield again this year! W00t! I'll be busy as hell, but I'll probably have some good stories!


Sometimes Saintly Nick said...

Yeah, Country Joe’s guitar is historically significant. Especially the one he played at Woodstock as he yelled out, “Gemme an ‘F’… Gemme a ‘U’…” etc.

Porno? So what photos of the corpse scene didn’t you share?

Stephen Lestat seems to be quite an interesting man. So, you really met him?

Poor, Kid! Cat flatulence is especially malodorous!

Since you spent all that time freezing you ass off, I am surprised you aren’t writing this from a hospital bed.

And you got to take no photos of the shoot? Does that mean that one must pay to see the film in order to gape at dudettes in flimsy attire? Or, does one have to keep checking the “Behind the Scenes” website for the official pics?

Are boobs falling out when one gets shot in the script? Or just wonderful happenstance?

You mean this thing *has* a plot? Up to this point I assumed it was a Russ Meyers-type flick.

Well, I just suppose I’ll have to wait to see the film, when and if it is ever released.

What’s important, my dear friend is that it sounds as if you had a hell of a good time!

Galtron said...

.....What he said. I just realized, also, that this was a 5 to 9 job, as opposed to a 9 to 5 job. Ha!

Bet you were a real knockout flag-bearing girl amongst all the girls with sticks! Was there any poking going on? ;)

S E E Quine said...

` Well, Nick, I don't have any photos of the guy 'humping' me, but that was the point of the scene.
` Speaking of photos, I just got a photo of me in my guard costume that I can put up! Whoooo!
` No, boobs fall out because our costumes are really skimpy.
` ...Maybe it is more like Russ Myers than I would care to know!

` Galtron, I will soon put up a photo that indeed proves that I was a knockout flag-bearing girl.
` ...And yes, there was poking. That will be in a drawing I'm putting up next post.
` Promise!

barman said...

Underwear and capes and cold oh my. It sounds like I would have loved to watch the shoot happening. Insanity at its best.

I had a hard time reading this as I got lost in a link here and there and finally made my way back. Love your writing and as to your writing class, very nice. I especially liked the story about the rapids. It sounded very real.

I need to visit much more often. And I have to check out Quadrant 42 whenever it is available for viewing.

Now that I am almost late to work I best be on my way. But I must say, love your posts.

angel said...

oh that sounds like a total blast!!! i'll be keeping my eye on the site... will i recognise you?

S E E Quine said...

` You probably will recognize me. I'll put up that photo I have... at some point.
` (And then some more kitty adventures!)

` Barman, your comments fill me with a certain warmness and fuzziness. Or maybe it's just my ego?

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
S E E Quine said...

` That was the longest spam comment in the history of all comments - probably about twenty times or so longer than my post.
` That's why I deleted it - my head was actually swimming.
` At least the prophet known as 'Alvin' (with the 'magic wand below the belt') was courteous enough to leave a really short comment linked to his long, rambling schizophrenic rants elsewhere.
` Anyway, who says I don't like getting gang-fucked by a bunch of deities? Maybe I find it exciting!

Anonymous said...
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