Wednesday, October 25, 2006

A Megadose of Madness!!

` Warning: This post contains excessive amounts of visual material. If your computer or connection speed is slow, you may be screwed!

` I have been conducting some dangerous experiments involving diet colas and Mentos brand peppermint candies. I have reason to suspect that perhaps these experiments - which could have resulted in actual consumption of the hazardous beverages in question - have stemmed from the insanity going on beforehand in each case.

` Take into consideration that on Sunday, October 8, I accompanied my friends Cheshire Human, TallGuy and X-Dan to the Everett Sausage Fest where we were attacked by inflatable venomous reptiles, children, and other unsafe creatures of dubious character.

` This festival, I should note, was held at a Church of Pure Evil - as evidenced by this advertisement for a Stillaguamish tribe gambling casino on a rock wall where children climb!

` Curiously, there were many booths to be seen, though only the bratwurst booth seemed to have anything to do with sausages. (Which X-Dan has explicitly noted.) Most of the other booths had a strangely hypnotic effect....

` What is sad is that I was actually 'hypnotized' into paying $3.50 for the worst smoothie I've ever had. It wasn't even a smoothie! It was a really low-quality Slushie, except smaller! Even TallGuy's valiant efforts of finishing it off for me were in vain....

` There were also booths with games involving sharp darts and even guns! In fact, we considered untethering one of the rifles and shooting this most obnoxious and insipid greasy pile of undead flesh....

` I tried to stare it down at least, but this had no effect on its intense Power of Hunk-o'Hunk-o' Burnin' Love....

` A possibly less questionable creature I had run into was this most fierce and intense player of heavy metal - about thirty pounds of brass to be exact!

` And I should probably admit that, since this was a Sausage Fest, I figured I'd probably run into a sign that sounded vaguely sexual. I was right!

` On top of this, I even wound up having a snake in my pants! I don't know how this happened... honest!

` Let me not forget to add that there were several scary carnival rides there! However, I had been so corrupted by the festival itself, I decided not to spend any money on making myself puke up that god-awful smoothie (which wasn't even a real smoothie)!

` It was too bad! That's my favorite carnival ride! Oh well.... Tasting the Slushie-smoothie again was too much of a risk.
` Reluctantly retreating from the festival soon after, I had the oddest parting thought:

` Thank goodness for American Sign Language to make normal gestures more fun!

` Later on, while I was suffering from excitement withdrawal (characterized by extreme boredom and mischievous behavior), I wound up teaming up with TallGuy and committing several acts of mischief, starting at a local grocery store....
` First up, over at QFC (pronounced 'Kfk') we wound up playing a giant game of Jenga with an entire fort made of Coca Cola cases!

` We wound up running off with the stuff after that incident, though because both of us are unable to ingest the toxic substance known as 'Diet Coke', we wound up running off to Safeway where we bought some Mentos...

` We were interested to see what happens if we combine the two....

` Well, that was rather unexciting. Now let's see what happens when you shake it up!

` After we were done spraying everything with decarbonated Diet Coke, we spent the rest of the evening doing something even more pointless; attempting to fake UFO photos! And they weren't even that good!

` The next morning, the sun was shining and it seemed as if everything was back to normal....

` Normal, it was not. I had mostly stayed away from doing ridiculous things until Wednesday, October 11, which was even wilder than usual! And, same as before, it was not suspicious in its looking like just another ordinary day....

` ...Oddly, just before the strangeness began, I went to the library to pick X-Dan up, although before I could do, so I ran into someone whose nickname I can't recall. (Was it Awesome Guy? Snazzy Dude? Why don't I just call him Toga guy?) As we went towards the library together to retrieve X-Dan, I asked Toga Guy what he was up to.

` He was apparently investigating a crazy and evil-looking late-night event that was going on in the insane, scary church on the corner. What a brave man! It is no wonder that he picked up an item at the library's cafe (where he works) so that he could arrive well-armed....

` Once X-Dan and I got to Cheshire's house, the sparks finally began to fly - prematurely! - when he began suffering from a 'Wardrobe Malfunction'!

` Um. *Ahem.* Apparently, his orange force field has been hiding under his shirt this whole time!!!
` Once the three of us made it to Denny's and met up with TallGuy (that's him on the left), I was viciously attacked by Bobert right off the bat....

` Before I knew what was happening, I somehow wound up slung over his shoulder without having a chance to run away first. But hey, at least I got a picture of me upside-down over his ass! That's TallGuy off to the side, looking bemused....

` If that wasn't humiliation enough, this blue-faced guy started spanking me! Hard! OUCH!! Luckily, I captured his soul before he could make his escape!

` He shall suffer!!! It is not surprising that we beat a fast retreat inside. However, there were many friendly naiads, dryads and other creatures that piqued our curiosities and spoke with us. (By the way, it was National Coming Out Day, so in this picture, X-Dan is probably reminding them all about his homosexuality. "In case you didn't know...")

` This unfortunately included Bobert, who eventually came to sit behind me. This wasn't a problem in and of itself, but the things he does to people whose backs-of-heads he has access to....

` There is a lot of being poked, prodded and having to duck your head and lean sideways because he just holds his hand there when you're trying to have a conversation or eat! It was really annoying. Thankfully, Cheshire - wearing her adorable cat ears - managed to ward him off with her Magical Pink Cocktail Sword of Cute Death!

` ...Or perhaps she was innoculating me against him. I'm not sure. There was also this alien who looks a lot like Nymphomaniac, but she was wearing jeans that I happen to know should be too small for her!

` Who is she and what has she done with Nympho?! I bet the mind control hat has something to do with it....
` Ahhh... what else did we do that night? Oh yeah, Cheshire and I went with TallGuy when he went to drop off X-Dan. His erratic driving was so fun!!

` He even played techno music and gave us a strobe-light show!!

` However, Cheshire had had enough of his scary driving techniques, so she got in my car before we went off to TallGuy's house to... blow up a lesser evil this time!!

` That's right - we used Diet Pepsi instead of Diet Coke! When we were down to the last two bottles, TallGuy and I held them crossed and ready to go at the same time, though his ejaculated prematurely, so, I....

` He ran so fast out of the way that even the camera could not capture his escape! ...He was so freaked out by my sudden attack (and white-glowing eyes!) that we found him two blocks away, swinging on a stop sign like a confused monkey!

` Now what else do you suppose could have spurred us to behave so irresponsibly, getting ourselves dangerously drenched in liquids that are not fit for human consumption? I contend that the especially insane events preceding each incidence could be sufficient enough to explain it!
` Never mind the fact that diet cola and Mentos have nothing to do with any of the other stuff.... I'm just saying that perhaps wild and erratic behavior should be taken in small quantities, lest it lead to stupid-looking behavior.

` Uh, sure.

` All in all, I had better get that power supply today in hopes of having a working scanner for the goal of displaying even more grotesque images!

6 comments:

Galtron said...

Whoa! How do you get your eyes to glow like that, Spoony? That's a cool picture - must have been some blast!

Overall exemplary post! Lots of funny stuff! And don't feel too bad about not shooting Zombie Elvis--he can never die anyway.

Oh yeah, and shame on you people for acting like young hooligans! Now you've got me wanting to blow up diet cola and Mentos! I wonder if I could make a 'pop bottle rocket' that way?

Winters said...

This post contains such splendidly colourful photography that now, as I look away from the screen, I feel that I am colour-blind.

I hope this does not mean, Miss Quine, that you have captured my soul. If it is so, kindly return it forthwith.

It might be worth something one day.

S E E Quine said...

` Galtron: I don't know how I got my eyes to glow like that, that's just the way the picture came out!
` And you might be interested to know that I have seen such pop bottle rockets on internet videos of stupid people! They can go really far!

` Winters: I think the problem may be that your soul is tainted with my pictures. Don't worry, though: They should be out of your system in a couple of weeks!

cassie d said...

you know - i tried the mentos and diet coke thing just a couple months ago - and it works SO MUCH better with a 2 liter bottle! Diet Coke reached THE SKY!

;D

And is Nympho giving you the Vulcan 'Live long and prosper' symbol?
or am i just too much of a trekkie?

haha!!!

S E E Quine said...

` I'm sure she is. 'Cause she's an alien.
` I shall try making a diet cola 2 liter 'bottle rocket' myself....

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