Where to start? Well, I suppose I could begin with our recent Roofcat infestation....
duvvyroofcats Day and night, they scrabble around on the shingles, probably chasing G-man off the roof with their amazing Motion Blurring ability. They're also cats. Hence, they are called Roofcats.
ghostlyroofcats Roofcats are distinguishable from all other cats by their abnormally long necks.
longneckcats Roofcats frequently enjoy chasing inanimate objects, but become frustrated when said objects fall off the edge of the roof.
roofcats ...No, they're not being pests at all, but I'd rather have mischievous Roofcats than some of the things that have been doing on. Seriously, there many bastard forces in life that are way beyond my control. Most of my free time may be concerned with getting homework done, but, well, there's always something to prevent me from not flunking my math class.
If only that were so!
It's getting so ridiculous that I've decided to take bits and pieces of time to construct you a blog post in piecemeal fashion with the help of my Indestructible Notebook. I think I've done a pretty good job.
` They were having one of their meetings which I almost never go to (mid-January was the last time!) and I thought that since I was doing so well I might as well meet up with them finally.
I was sitting between two guys, one of which was Deadpan Fetus Guy (DFG). I'd chosen that web-handle for him with his gigantic ear-cheloids (formed because he is not compatible with piercings), one of which was large enough to look like a dead fetus somewhat like the Dead Conjoined Fetus Lady's from South Park. (I say 'was' because now it's escaped and at large!)
` In case you can't guess, he also has such a matter-of-fact-sounding sense of humor that I couldn't help but change it from Dead Fetus Guy to Deadpan Fetus Guy.
` I was also sitting across from Nymphomaniac (NM), Cheshire Human (CH) and Roman Jesus (RJ), who - as you can see - looks just like European depictions of Jesus (except with a ponytail here).
nymandknitting I think the jury is still out on that one.
Right as I was writing down the sperm comment, DFG asked me: "What did you get for number one?"
Roman Jesus: "Pee pee!"
DFG: "Oh, urine!"
RJ: "Number One!!"
Ha ha... uh... get it? Yeah. Anywho... I think it was about then that the other guy I was sitting next to had to leave. (Regrettably, he didn't say enough to be mentioned.)
otherguy I do remember his name this time, though here I could probably stand to call him 'Blurry Sasquatch'. Well, Blurry, you missed the fun; that was only the beginning!
A bit later, DFG moved from my left side to my right to take the open seat, or, as he put it, "in order to absorb your other side."
Then, as I was draining a beverage with a straw, and this got Jesus and DFG chanting: "Go hoover, go Hoover, go, go, go Hoover!"
I looked at Dead Fetus Guy and said; "You have no idea."
Nympho added: "And misery and woe!"
Best added-on comment evar!1!
Then, to my surprise, the subjects of incest and Adorable Gay Hottie were brought up at the same time and I asked why the two go together. Apparently, Adorable's family is a "world of special."
Get this; his sister is pregnant with her own neice! She had sex with her stepfather and is about to be her own aunt! Sorta.
What in thee blazes? And I thought Adorable Gay Hottie was weird.
Roman Jesus had been on Capitol Hill walking down Pine Street and a drunk guy who looked like a young Dennis Kucinich got one look at him and said, in his weird, high accent, "Now I like him, he's a tough motherfucker!"
Walking across, Jesus remarked, "Wow, it worked"
` The guy said "Yeah, I know!"
` What do you know? Apparently people on Capitol hill bow to Satan!
Just to mix it up, here's a photo of Nympho being sidewalk-blurry with Roman Jesus and DFG.
Me to Jesus: "...So, where is your mind?"
J: "In the corner."
DFG, returning from the restroom: "What? I just peed there!"
DFG to me: "Any thoughts?"
Me: "No, but I have a squishy feeling between my ears."
DFG: "That's your brain. Don't pick at it or you'll make it worse."
NM: "Worse?" (Tapping fingers together.) "Or better?"
On black holes:
RJ: "Once you go black, you never go back!"
Strange bit of news: DFG "personally discovered" that radio host BJ Shea plays Magic cards! ...That just looks really funny written like that, so I won't add an explanation.
DFG: "For your benefit."
RJ: "My benefit appreciates it!"
NM: "I'm not really into morality."
` But first, we needed to find an on-ramp.
` The first on-ramp we came to was closed with a detour sign directing us to the nearest one, so we went across town to that one... and then that exit was closed... with a Detour sign directing us to... yes!... the other closed on-ramp! So we had to go all the way back across to the first on-ramp and past that one to the second-closest on-ramp!
` Can you believe that?
` During the entire trip down, Jesus and Deadpan were bantering back and forth in the front seats while Nympho was being assaulted nonstop by Cheshire via my armored cell phone. (What in the world that was about, I'm not sure - I can't follow two conversations at once!)
` At last, we arrived at Memo's - a place with great burritos and really lotiony horchata.
memos You heard me. I was in the middle of eating a taco with fish and tartar sauce (which is so un-Mexican, but so good), when I took a swig of my beverage to find that it most likely does not contain any real horchata!
` Normally, Mexican horchata - as opposed to other types - is made with ground rice, but this horchata was apparently none of those: Instead it was most likely created by adding cinnamon to the glandular secretions of a burro.
` The flavor, needless to say, was a bit... odd. Or, as Roman Jesus remarked: "It tastes like my grandmother's hand cream!"
` Can you say; 'Blech'?
` As we were piling back into the car, I took a picture of someone waiting at a bus stop - an old lady that may or may not taste like Memo's horchata.
ladyatbusstop Just thought I'd throw that in there.
` By the time I'd gotten back home, it was really late and I went straight to bed without even sexually molesting my superhero. Needless to say, no more homework was completed that night.
Thursday and Friday involved doing only a few hours of homework, and it was hard for me to make myself sit still. Superhero Lou Ryan, however, could hardly be any more still: As he trains his muscles to not do the wrong things anymore, they periodically lash back by agonizingly seizing up. (Kind of ironic, huh?)
` He had specifically been referred to a doctor who could prescribe him the narcotic Soma, which is the only pain reliever that actually works for this level of muscle tension and pain. (Lou knows this because he's tried them all, whether he's wanted to or not.) He had waited months for this appointment because his regular doctor had refused to give him any, just in case he was a narcotics-abuser. At his appointment, however, he learned that the new doctor is unable to prescribe anybody any kind of narcotics at all due to a little mistake some years back.
...Then why was he referred to her at all? How does this happen?
` I was barely able to concentrate on doing homework that day. As for Lou Ryan's pain, he was almost in tears despite having had a potent dose of Vicodon, beer, and other tasty treats. Where did he get the Vicodon? Let's just say that a little bird being treated at the methadone clinic is overflowing with narcotics - though she said that someone had just gotten her supply of a thousand Somas: And this right after someone had asked her to save a couple just for Lou!
` With Lou Ryan utterly unable to save the town, should it need saving, this was quite a serious emergency. So, it was off to the Room of Emergency! But first, I had to put his socks and shoes on for him (!) and help him out the door. As we were struggling up toward the gravel driveway, who should pull up behind my car but two retarded former neighbor kids!
` Needless to say, Lou started yelling and screaming at him to get his ficking car out from behind mine because we needed to get to the Emergency Room, NOW!
` The smartass guy said; "I was just going to pick up my mom!"
` I figured I'd have a late start, but I'd at least have some time after Lou got a couple of Somas to set him off for the next several weeks. But the doctor who greeted us wasn't very much into this idea - in fact, he looked like he was about to burst out laughing.
` "Somas don't relax your muscles," he kept saying. "They make you sleep, and sleeping makes your muscles relax."
` Alright... I know this, and Lou knows it too: Soma doesn't even make Lou drowsy (for some odd reason), and as you might recall he had just been wrenched awake by huge leg cramps, so I don't think sleeping has much to do with it.
` What Soma does do is gets rid of the pain and tension - just one dose cures him of this debilitating pain, or at least it's gone for six weeks or so until he progresses and his muscles start fighting back again (resulting in a different constellation of hyper muscle tension). Why, I have no clue, but I've seen it work several times - which is always a good thing because Lou doesn't have his own wheelchair.
` But nooo, apparently the doctor thought that Lou was probably an opiate junkie and was just making up some kind of pathetic excuse to get meds - either way, he kept telling Lou that hospital policy involved never prescribing walk-ins any narcotics, lest they be looking for a fix.
` Honestly, I think the guy needed a black eye to go with his condescending grin.
` His name? Dr. Dickson! (He must be so much like his father!) The only thing he would give him was - get this! - Vicodon!
As the doctor started walking away, Lou lost his composure and broke into tears. Dickson was still adamant that the Vicodon would be strong enough for his pain. Give me a break - that already didn't do anything, and he couldn't even stand up, much less walk out the door!
` That was when Lou began wheeling himself down the hallway, shouting; "I didn't come into an Emergency Room on a Sunday morning just to be told there's nothing wrong with me!" He was, as you might say, bitching on wheels. (Ow! Ow! Stop hitting me!)
` It is best to avoid a raging superhero, as they can be quite formidable even while they are paraplegically ambulating themselves down an ER hallway, hurling their dignity away by ranting about how tons of junkies get thousands of Somas from methadone clinics while people who need them for legitimate medical reasons can't even get a prescription!
` Finally, at the central part of the emergency wing he managed to get the attention of someone who suggested talking to the head nurse. Sold! Long story short, she got him a shot of Diladin and in three minutes he was already walking around - and he wasn't sleepy even though she said he would be!
` When the head nurse came back she was absolutely stunned to see him up and doing stretches, as opposed to sitting in a drugged stupor!
Now he could walk out the door!
So we did. Then, we ran a couple of errands, got a couple of submarine sandwiches and went home.
But I couldn't eat: As usual, being forced to sit around all day had given me a bad case of indigestion, plus my legs seemed to think that I was a jackrabbit in mortal danger, so I could scarcely sit still, much less do homework of any kind, nor even vacuum the floor!
Honestly, I was a little jealous of Vada and Violet's ability to play with Lou's hospital bracelet.
loushospitalbracelet While Lou got some beer and Vicodons in him, I went to the gym to get a good workout - except it was closed! I then attempted to jog around the neighborhood, but to no avail. I was also starting to feel hungry so I headed home.
When I opened up the fridge door to find that my sub had disappeared, I almost imploded with surprise! Apparently, Lou Ryan had not only eaten his sub, he'd eaten mine too - and yet he was so loopy he'd blended both of his sub-eating episodes into one memory!
` Luckily, Lou was feeling no pain whatsoever and was easily able to rescue her. Ever-unassuming as Violet is (being a cat and all) she greeted him as if to say; "Oh, how nice of you to join me out here! I was exploring the... er... exotic flora and fauna!"
` When he'd brought her back upstairs, she paraded around as if to tell Vada how proud she was of her brilliant gymnastics!
` I spent the next hour at the gym.
Besides lack of exercise, another reason it's been hard to sit down is... well... I have a special kind of itching. Seriously, if I'm sitting while twisted into an interesting shape, nine out of ten times it's my vagina. Unfortunately, I'd been running around so much after school that I'd also just barely missed my doctor's appointment.
` Well, I probably didn't really have the time to go there anyway.
Then, when I settled down to do math homework - above the din of the weekday construction work outside my window - there was a knock on the door. So I ignored it... for about ten minutes when I finally got the door. It was the retarded neighbor's girl and her baby whom she neglects somewhat, who needed my computer to change the password on her email and do a couple other things because her retarded brother unexpectedly formatted her hard drive and she didn't even have an operating system boot-up disc!
` Okay, fine....
While she was doing that, I did my best to amuse the baby by playing with the cats in his line of vision. Then, just as I was sitting down to do homework a second time, Lou Ryan came home and laid down beside me on the floor. (It's the only surface in the apartment flat enough to do homework on.) That was fine until he asked about my doctor's appointment and freaked out when I told him what had happened!
` That stressed me out to no end.
However, on Tuesday, the first thing I did after my gym workout was sit down for more math homework, but it was so hard - and the construction team wasn't even distracting me with noise!
` Eventually, I tried putting on some ear plugs.
` They may not block out most noises, but they did prevent me from being distracted by the traffic outside, and that was all I needed. I spent the entire remainder of the day sitting in that spot, doing homework with earplugs.
` They work so well I'm wearing a pair now - I can barely hear the loud droning of the air compressor being used thirty feet away! Amazing! They also make it so much easier for me to not lose interest in exercising at the gym - sound apparently distracts me far more than I had known!
Anyway, my ability to complete important tasks is now at an all-time high! Nevertheless, my optimism and determination didn't pay off at all: I still flunked my math exam.