Lou Ryan: Super(hero)model

` Yes, Lou is one hot modelling man! (Conjuring up the image of Zoolander saying; "Mer-man, Daddy! Mer-man!") Uh... never mind.
` Since I'm pressed for time at the moment, lemme just give ya the highlights - or rather, a long and rambling, not very well thought-out narrative with the image used in the magazine at the very end:
` First, I think the story should start with a small piece of irony. You see, I got this e-mail one day....

Visualsmoke Productions is seeking attractive female smokers for video work.

No Experience Necessary. Just be 18 years of age or older. We offer excellent pay at $300 per shoot!....

` And I was like; "Evil pro-smoking people pandering to me with their cameras! They won't get me!" A few days later, I got another e-mail:

Looking for a Caucasian male model in his late 20's to early 30's who can cross his eyes. The shoot will be used for editorial purpose and be published in a local magazine. The shoot will take place in Seattle on Thursday the 7th of Dec. Must be available for at least 3 hours. The rate of pay is $200. if you are interested, please email headshot and the times you are available.

Thanks so much

` I thought to myself; "Whoa! I gotta reply to this one! Lou's gonna love this!" So I did:

` My boyfriend is a model... and not only can he cross his eyes, he can hold one eye still and move the other. I have included a photo I took of it....

` To my great surprise and delight, I got a response mere minutes later:

Lucas is awesome. He is hollerious. Let me know- we are trying to shoot for 5:00pm or so. The photographer's website is charlieschuck.com Also, I had quoted the price at $200 but it's actually $100 (I am sorry but I was under the impression that it was $200) Please let me know if you would be interested and also if you are your contact number/ his contact number.

Thanks

Ola

` Exploding with joy, I called Lou up at work, and he was so psyched! I wrote back to Ola, she called him and they made plans for 18:00 the next day.
` Now, herein lies the irony - this photo shoot is for an article about a way to quit smoking! One would think that it's the opposite of evil - however, it is about the quackery of using hypnotism for this purpose. Excuse me, I'm sorry. Being hypnotized, though it can be fun, does not permanently take away the pain of physical withdrawal symptoms from nicotine, or any addictive drug. Fraudulent as it may be, this type of practice has turned into a fairly large, widespread industry.
` That night, we went to bed in a giddy mood, and Lou fell asleep before I did (as usual). At one point, he spoke up while in his sleep, saying that I was cheating and that I knew the rules.
` "What rules?" I said, bemusedly.
` "The water rules!" he said, as if I knew what he was referring to. I couldn't get any more out of him - man, I think it's so cute the way he talks in his sleep....
` And then the next day, for another pointless piece of news, I spent a lot of time converting one of Lou's new pairs of giant underwear into something that fits him. Unfortunately, a thread snapped when he put them on, so I'll be working on that....
` Later on, we got on our way to Seattle. It was a nice drive, if clogged with traffic, and the light was retrating from view....

` Then I got a good look at the Space Needle: It had Christmas lights draped over the antenna so as to look like a Christmas tree.

` Alas, it turns out that the entire city has been taken over by Christmas lights!

` Ooooohhhhh noooooooooo! It's doomed!

` Finally, we managed to get to Ola and Charlie's spacious studio with time to spare, despite the fact that traffic was at a crawl. They were really awesome. Over the phone, Lou had thought that since Ola was so super-enthusiastic, she was probably some showbiz phony: It turns out that no, she's not a phony, she's just one of those wonderfully hyper European chicks. Seriously, she made us feel so straight-laced. I want to be more like her!
` Plus, her common name is 'Ola', but on her birth certificate, it's 'Aleks'! Apparently, in Poland everyone has two names! I want two names, too!!
` Anyway, about the first object of interest in the studio (to distract us with) was this crazy book that someone had given them - full of photos of naked, freaky and/or famous people. It's called Terryworld, and in fact, Terry himself appears in many of the pictures, including one where he standing, supporting a naked girl with both his arms and his schlong. What... ah... coordination and balance those two were displaying!
` I was quite traumatized.
` After much conversation, the first order of business for me (while Lou changed into a shirt they had provided) was helping Charlie with the backdrop while Ola used Terryworld as a platform over which to scrub some spray paint off a silver pocketwatch.

` Once the set was ready, Lou made himself comfortable, filed his nails the rest of the way....

` Since the gold spray paint is tricky to get on right, Ola washed it off and applied it a second time:

` ...Meanwhile, Charlie warmed up with Lou:

` Then, it was all about getting Lou's shirt to fit right....

` ...They wound up having to use masking tape! It kept coming off, too!

` As I sat on the futon, Charlie began to take photos....

` ...They even tried the retro sun-clock for effect, but that apparently didn't pan out....

` Here's the picture that was chosen, as displayed on Photoshop. Since my camera is an instamatic, this was as good as I could get it....

` But the photoshoot was not yet over, as special effects had to be added: There was also the matter of getting pictures of floating cigarettes! So, in order to capture this effect, Ola held them up on pins....

` Oh, and they were amazed that the New Yorker said my article had 'evident merit' - too bad I had not sent it to the right department! In fact, Ola said I had better submit it elsewhere or she would spank me! I said; "Can Lou watch?"
` Tee hee! Well, she had somewhere to go and we walked with her until we got to my car. I forget what I was saying to her, but I was like; "Have a groovy evening!" and she was all like "waaaugh!" flailing her arms around in hyperness as a response.
` GOD, I WISH I COULD BE THAT HYPER!!!
` It was all good, and I hope to see them again. Oh, and before I forget, the bathroom down the hall from their studio had the coolest toilet paper....

` Now you can wipe your ass with the president's face, along with words such as 'misunderestimated'!

` Also, on the way home, I noticed that the CBS eye was following us!

` There were many others I'd tried to take but the camera wouldn't do anything. I did, however, get this one:

` The next day, I milled about town, trying to make sure my bank balance stayed positive. (I got screwed in the end.) On my way back, I passed this bumper sticker:

` Great spelling, guys! Anyway, in order to get money into my account I had to go to my Fred Meyer bank branch to put money into my bank account. Once there, the Pillsbury doughboy popped out at me to say....

` Well, because I'm me, I kicked his ass (rather, his tummy) and the cooler frickin' giggled! Grah. Sometimes, you just can't win. Doesn't matter, I guess, as Galtron has established, he is going to hell. Yes, to hell, where he will rise... to a crisp, golden-brown!
` I also blanched when I saw the milk. Since when was there a brand called 'HoHoHo'? Pssssh! Well, the royalties must be rolling in for Santa!

` Finally, later on that night, Charlie notified us that Lou's picture was up on his website - this is it! Isn't it purdy?
` UPDATE: Uhh... WTF? He musta replaced that URL with another photo. Here's a copy I had uploaded on my Photobucket account earlier on, though it's only 435 pixels instead of 524:

` ...And isn't Lou just the cutest little thing you ever did see with cigarettes floating around his head? If you'd like to more where that came from, please see Charlie Schuck's photography website! In addition to being chock full of cool photos, it's very iSleek!