Night Creatures Rejoice: Adventures in Cornland

` Oh, you thought I'd get away without putting up a post containing pictures of that job I had scaring people in a corn maze, did you? Oh, no I wouldn't! Look, here's one now!

` That's Bruce and Lou... doing what he calls his 'naked mole-rat face'.

` I know it's been a week since that was over with, I've just been busy with other things such as physically recovering, writing my novel, doing chores, going a hell of a lot of places, deflowering a guy with one testicle, etc, etc....
` Time-consuming these things, all. But yes, I have finally posted many wonderful photos of the crazy Field of Screams in Snohomish - in fact, I'll even throw in one of my car the day I discovered the wheels wouldn't move!

` Notice the missing side mirror - I have no idea where the hell it got off to! It apparently had just run off one day....
` Anyway, they said my emergency brake cables were to blame and that I wouldn't die of the wheels suddenly locking up on the freeway, so I grabbed Lou and drove off to the field where we met up with the gang - aren't they just precious?

` That would be Insane 'Get Outta My Corn!' Farmer, the Undead 'I Have a Girly Belgian Name' Kayaker and Fuzzy 'Creepy' Modo. They were all so cute I wanted to hug them - but I didn't, sadly. However, they made a lot of visitors want to hurt them - and they did!
` One character in particular probably wouldn't make people cringe in daylight - the Corn Man. He basically looks like corn, so you don't see him until it's too late and he makes weird noises at you! Oh no!!
` For the most part, he was played by a guy named Shobhit, who a) did get attacked horribly and b) didn't seem slightest bit gay, so it's not like they were gay bashers. Isn't he cuuuute?

` Lucky for me, I don't have to write about it - his boyfriend made a post about this in his Live Journal... well, here's an excerpt:

Actually, someone who also works there, who not only has her own blog but her alter ego does too, happened upon my journal a couple of weeks ago. So she took this picture just for me, she said, in the comment she left on yesterday's entry. Now I don't have to go all the way up there just to get a picture of him! Wasn't that nice of her? I thought so.

You should probably imagine this costume in the dark, without it being illuminated with a camera flash. Because in blinding light, I must admit, he looks pretty ridiculous. But in shadow, I'm sure you can see how he can scare the living shit out of people dressed like this.

The effectiveness of his costume is double-sided. On the one hand, it's very effective. On the other hand, it has resulted on numerous occasions in patrons to the corn maze hurting him. Some kids "attacked" him a few weeks ago, and I think it was last week an old lady apparently threw a rock at him, which hit him in the shoulder. And last night alone, one group of people hurled corn cobs at his chest (can you imagine the coroner's report? DEATH BY CORN COB) and one lady kicked him in the groin and "just missed by a whisker thanks to the corn stocks."

I happen to be an authority on how thin his groin whiskers are. So that was really close.

Anyway, he sent an email to the woman who organizes this event. He even showed it to me. This is my favorite part:

I told them I was a human being and to stop attacking me.

I can just see him in a tirade in the middle of the corn field, screaming, "I am not an animal! I am a human being!"

` Haaa haaaa haaaaa!!! (The guy also went to this crazy Halloween party I thought was full of clever ideas!) Anyway, yes, we got attacked in some way or another! For another instance, take Joe the Scarecrow:

` It's easy to scare people if they think you're fake! Even during that incident where this guy walked up and punched him in the balls - he wigged and ran off when poor Joe nearly fell on him as he twisted in agony!
` So even though some were cruel, he got most patrons pretty good! Some people even went up and took a photo of him, thinking that indeed he was fake. After the first flash, Joe would move and so the picture would turn out with everyone around him screaming in terror!
` Yes!
` I got to watch all this from my spot right ahead, from a gap in the corn made from walking through it too often. Sometimes, the people would run so fast I'd scarcely have time enough to hide. But when I failed at that, I would run at them, yelling; "It's escaped!" or "Did Fed-Ex just get here?"

` Looks like I've had a little too much Glenlivet single malt scotch....

` If you are interested, I have written down my earlier experiences, if you've missed them, and then when Lou joined in I also wrote some about that. (We ended up making a pretty good team, and were able to console each other when fists, corn, silly string and loose change began to fly!)

` Isn't he the most precious patient? I think we made a good scaring-team. Generally, both of us startled people, and sometimes we scared girls so much they cried or peed their pants! Yes, even teenagers!
` And, whenever I didn't scare people very well, I managed to distract them until they were right in front of his hideout and then he'd jump out. On the other hand, sometimes I scared people so well that they would run right past him and not notice him yelling and chasing them!
` One girl, he remembers, was so scared she ran right past the train tunnel, where you're supposed to escape, and ran into the fence and couldn't figure out where to go, so she clutched the railroad crossing sign until her friends hauled her off!
` In fact, since I had tried to write this very post several times while I was still working there, I have several entries from the last nights I worked there - apparently Friday through Tuesday:

` Only one person said I wasn't scary, and I was not even attacked - and only because I waited for a kid to spray the ground with silly string. We've scared so many people, and I got so many hugs, too!
` We also discovered that me panicking over finding my patient caused people to look for Lou, and sometimes they actually found him before he found them.

` I've had my goggles knocked askew (luckily by a boy in the first group, so he was easily found), Corn Man has nearly been kicked in the balls and has rocks thrown in his face... I've been doing really well, though.
` I've also discovered that my new phrase; "Ah! You must be my new shipment of parts!" can be misinterpreted as swearing by teenagers, though it causes the more charitable ones ask if I have pot or refer to me as 'Mr. Potts'. (Many of them think I am a teenaged boy.)
` So, I will tend to exclaim to families with small children; "Ah a new shipment! And you must be the small parts! ...Yes, I make things out of people!" I thought it was so cute when one kid asked if I could make him into a lizard!

` We made so many people fall! Probably because it was muddy. Sadly, we didn't get to have one break together this time, so each person was missing from the maze for a while to have their own break, meanwhile visitors walked past. Rrrrgh! We all thought that was lame.

` Last night was the first frost - which completely covered my goggles! While the maze was more occupied, I did deep knee bends and Lou did some karate - otherwise we would have been freezing, too!
` Towards the end we huddled around the scarecrow's light between the few stragglers, who were just getting out of the other corn maze (the one that's really a maze). The combination of activity and the lamp was actually warm enough to keep us going until it was over.
` However, eventually my legs wore out and we got bored, so we managed to generate more body heat by having 'corn wars' with some of the other actors while the maze was otherwise empty. Hooray! We had other brightly-lit things to watch for besides meteorites! In fact, Lou even took to throwing whole cornstalks!
` (Dramatic re-enactment:)

` Only the next day did I notice this sign:

` Er... ahh....
` Toward the end, there were these two giggling guys who appeared to be tripping. Joe said they were staring at his light for about five minutes, and then when I chased them off towards Lou, one said; 'Hey! We didn't get a chance to see you!'

` Tonight it was also freezing, but I had more layers and these little hot pad things that for some reason were only lukewarm when I was holding them, but they got really hot when Lou had them! Since it was about ten minutes between each group for stretches at a time, we spent a lot of time steaming the wet mud off of us at the lamp.
` All the corn and everything was all sparkly with ice, and this time I saw a green meteorite! It was sooo pretty! And then a bunch of people came in the maze, so we finally had normal work to do that kept us warm.
` There was this one blonde boy who wanted to skip through the maze, while his friend called him a pussy. Even though we were right next to the edge of the maze (I spent each night looking out at Highway 9, which is currently flooded BTW), we said "No." Interestingly, Bruce reports that the blond-haired kid stood and said "Hi" while the friend took off for the exit.

` Oh, but you haven't seen why anyone would be running from Bruce so frantically, have you? Well, gather 'round and get a good look!

` Rrrrnnnnnnn! Rrrnnnn! Curiously, though, he's kinda scary-looking without the mask. I think it's because he's a chainsaw maniac at heart:

` And as for those Mag-Lites he's holding... he found all three of them just that night!! Later on that night, Lou and I got home to find one of Lou's co-workers sitting on our front porch, hoping we'd come home soon, with a very beaten-up head:

` Ouchie! The events which caused this situation inspired Lou to get out his guitar and begin making up some creative endeavors - with our help - partly using established music, and partly using his own original material:

` Tell your ma!
` Tell your pa!
` That bitch has beaten you up all night long!
` Baby it's alright....

` Lou: He's gonna go to jail, with a restraining order, too!
` Me: Even though she beat him!

` Goddammit, beaten by a swamp moose!
` Goddammit, runnin' from a swamp moose!
` Wait a minute! Somethin's wrong here!

` Indeed, not much strikes fear into a man's heart than being dumb enough to a) drink and b) live with a swamp moose who doesn't take kindly to drunkenness. In fact it's way scarier than, say, Bruce's neat-o cool scary breath! Really, 'cause that's just plain awesome!

` ...But it's a friendly ghost! (And such a high-quality one, too!) Thanks, Bruce! Our sink was also pretty frightening after Lou was done with it....

` Eeek! What a mess that was to clean! And then on Halloween, B-Dizzle got to dress up for his job at the Chevron station. Here is Lou adding some bullet holes to his bad, evil clown-zombie self....

` Anyway, I really think I'll miss working at the corn maze. Perhaps I'll come back and lurk around with them again someday. *Sigh*... oh look, that was the time we were checking out the police dog, who apparently found some drugs.

` Oh mah gawd!! Joe looks sooo deformed! And yes, that's the Belgian guy... he was a mountain biker that night.

` And as a P.S., you may be interested to know about that truck that Lou went Repo-Man on. Apparently, Danky couldn't afford to pay the Boss Man back for the truck, so he gave Danky a chance to earn it back with work. But when Danky saw the guy who had been staged to buy it from him and realized that these ploys were all Boss Man's doing, he hopped in his car and drove away!!!
` Also, a transformer exploded the other night, echoing across the neighborhood and B-Dizzle got a chance to figure out how to reboot the Chevron system! Hooray!
` And today, it's flooding like crazy in some parts - there are buildings underwater in the lowlands! I was just watching a video of this on King 5 news! Whoa! In fact, Lou is home from work early because of the rain, and we're about to go check out the flooding!