Wednesday, August 09, 2006

Disorient-O-Rama

I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

--Someone imitating Martin Luther King, Jr.
` This post is a result of my taking advantage of my unexpected moments of strandedness: You see, just now I've gotten my errands-by-automobile done for the day and thought that I'd be out on my three-mile errand walk just now (my muscles are absolutely screaming because I didn't take one yesterday), but I have volunteered to pick up Lou at the ferry docks in an hour (an unexpected change of plans), and there's no way I'd make it back in time.
` So, I'll have to wait until after I get back in order to get everything done, then I'll be on my way to Book Listener's house to invent dinner with her and spend the night.
` I am just busy all the time - too busy, in fact, to be coherent! And so, I won't bother. Who cares about organizing my thoughts into any sort of meaningful semblence?
` But enough about me, how about other people? Well, Lou has been both busting his ass and encountering plenty of insulation filled with chocolate pudding-like rat excreta while at his construction job, which is why he is known to make such fashion statements;

` Containment suits are sooo hot, don'tcha think? As a result of all this grueling work, he is a very knotty, knotty boy and it is often enough up to me to work them out....
` Dandruff, on the other hand, is groovy enough despite the fact that he has both psoriasis and arthritis, Nympho is biking for peace, and Dead Fetus Guy continues to be the same person.
` While I was accompanying Lou to the mall optometrist, I ran into the one tiny little lesbian from Denny's, who was carrying around her girlfriend's teensy little kitten (I forget if I have nicknames for them or not, but I really don't have time to check at this point).
` Also, I saw Porky the Prostitute looking at cell phones while I was there. Speaking of drug addicts, I couldn't help but notice Seneca on display near the Far West Motel. Looks like she gave up all pretenses and is looking for someone to pay her for her uncontrollable horniness.
` Well, yay for her.

` Fun fact! Did you know that being susceptible to Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, the tenth most disabling medical condition worldwide, is linked to various places on chromosomes
3q, 7p, 1q, 15q, and 6q?

` Now back to me: Despite my healthy eating and daily physical activities (speedwalking and sometimes swimming) I have gained ten pounds since February. Am I doing something wrong? Perhaps, since I'm not filling out my pants like I had been last time, I must be gaining both muscle density and fat!
` Well, at least I'm more muscly....
` I suppose that partying (= eating fattening food items) probably has something to do with it. I've been going to parties a lot lately, and I expect your full (or at least partial) attention as I write about them:

` The first party was post-birthday party for Dandruff, held at his dad's house, at which I've previously had a somewhat amusing brief adventure, during which Dandruff scolded the ever-present raccoons for getting into fights ("Now, now children...").
` Due to this party's insanity, Dandruff also could not help but to write a little about it, though that shall not stop me from doing the same... and beyond... the boundaries of good taste!
` You see, it all started when my Burgundy Rectangle's alternator started making horrible noises and I went to the disembodied car components store and bought a new one, which Lou managed to install at around six... which was good because I was able to get to Dandruff's party at a reasonable time.
` Also, since my car's been fixed, it won't have any puppies! Yay!
` What does my Burgundy Rectangle have to do with Dandruff's post-birthday party? Absolutely nothing! I just threw that in there to screw with your head.
` Anyway, when I got there, Wendizzle and her strange little sister, Sarizzle, were the only ones who had showed up so far, and my arrival was apparently our cue to begin eating some really nice, yummy salad with cashews and sunflower seeds and all kinds of weird stuff in it. It was so good that I had at least three bowlfuls - one of them while wearing one of the somewhat flamboyant party hats!


` (Yes! I got the Underdog cup!) After the salad, there was some lovely rat pizza... which, despite the name, is 100% rat-free! Rather, it was all vegetables with cheddar cheese to boot! Interestingly enough, Dandruff (Jake) appears to be named after the really old line of sourdough that was used to make the crust! ...Technically, we had baked Jake. (Hey, wasn't that a Garbage Pail Kid? Blech!)
` So really, it was more like cannibalism than rat-eating.
` After the salad, we began to see cats... and no, there were no special ingredients or anything in it. They're real and have names (which I forget), and they happen to like the pool in the backyard. Man, I wish my backyard looked like that!


` In this picture, there are two cats - the other one is all the way to the right. My Crappy Digital Camera (CDC) sure takes some large-yet-low-quality images, doesn't it?


` ...Although if you shrink them, it can become difficult to see certain things. For example, can you find the black cat in this photo taken from the upper deck? Well, zoom in and find out!


` (Hint: It's near the center.)
` After the cats went away, we began shooting off explosive confetti guns, but the bits of confetti tended to get stuck on things, as you can see in this picture of Wendizzle just after a streamer took the hit for her.


` Then, Dead Fetus Guy came by in time for the last of the pizza-eating and after-dinner bubble-blowing. (That sparkly thing is Dandruff's birthday-revamped force-field.)


` I asked Dandruff to turn his force field down a bit so that I could get a better picture of him while he forced soap through the bubble-making thingy:


` Eventually, the five of us settled down for a nice, rowdy game of Apples to Apples, which is where you take turns drawing a card with an adjective while the others match one of their noun cards to it in the most straightforward and/or creative way they can think of. I know, that sounds boring, but it actually resulted in our laughing our asses off.
` I later found mine under the couch....
` Somewheres in the middle of all this, Dandruff received a call and got down from his dad's decorative antique wheelchair to talk, so when he said; "Oh, the party's going just fine," he was just close enough for me to shout "we're having an orgy!"... and when he informed me; "That was my grandfather!" I just about died of mortification and suffocation from laughing.
` (Later on, Dandruff found that his grandfather hadn't heard me, and that he thought it was pretty hilarious when he found out.)

` Well, I'm back from fetching Lou and running my errands, though I think I'll continue for a wee bit before going on to Book Listener's house....

` As I was saying; there was a lot of spontaneous strangeness that had been stirred up by this most malevolent game.... In fact, when it was Sarizzle's turn while she was out of the room (pilfering ice cream), Wendizzle began stabbing at the place she had been sitting and shouted; "You'd better come save your essence! I'm stabbing it!"
` However, the rounds of Apples to Apples finally stopped dead when the resident raccoons showed up!


` They're actually pretty used to people, and some of them were even courageous enough to brave Dandruff's sparkly force field for some marshmallows!


` Here are two closer-up photos of the human-habituated wildlife:


` I think the one on the left is the mother of the other ones. Whichever one is largest:


` It was in the middle of raccoon-viewing that a guy named Grayson - whom I'll call MiniFonzi - to join us in raccoonery and being naughty with the paddle-balls.


` The paddle-balls sort of scared the raccoons, but they gradually ventured back.


` Meanwhile, the paddles had gotten into a threesome, which resulted in each of them being strung up by their balls and eventually neutered....


` And then, Dead Fetus surprised us all by disappearing into the other room for a few minutes and emerging with....


` ...Madonna party-hat-boobs! Which he subsequently used to stab us with.
` BTW, none of our behavior was elicited by the use of any substances (besides sugar): The bottles on the table are actually cream soda and whatnot.

` As far as MiniFonzi goes, he was very strange. And so was I, as I can't help but think about sex. A lot. Despite the fact that I'm sexually dysfunctional, and on hormones that make it more pronounced. (Or maybe it's because of it....)
` But that didn't stop me from asking him; "So, would you have sex with me at some point?" and he said; "Sure!" (And he meant it, too! Holy crabcakes!) So, I said I'd abduct him later and haul him off to my lab, which he very much agreed to.
` Of course I didn't - though I did drive Dead Fetus Guy partway home... to my driveway! From there, he had to walk two miles home. I'd have driven him further but I had to get to bed, and besides, he really didn't mind walking, nor staying up late.
` He's weird.
` He's also really funny - he made a few cracks in the car I wished I could have remembered. And speaking of partying, at Dandruff's last party, when I mentioned that Dead Fetus Guy wasn't attacked by Giant Beach Fleas? Turns out that he wound up being eaten alive by Small, Transparent Sand Fleas that hop along the beach when you lay by the surf.
` Whereas I was driven out of the water to avoid my attackers, he was driven into the water to avoid his!
` Well, anyway, it has been frickin' sunny lately - so sunny that the purple trees look brown! I even thought I saw a ghost car at one point....


` So anyway, Dead Fetus Guy and I have taken advantage of this in recent days by *gasp!* going to another beach! (This one was mercifully flea-free!)
` I remember that while I was driving us down there, I said something depressing (but in a way so as not to make it depressing) and he said in his low monotone; "Joy! Cartwheel." I halfway laughed my ass off. Then I said something even more depressing and he said; "Cartwheel and a half.... I'm not sure where that leaves me. I think I'm doing a handstand."
` While he was waiting on me to get into my swimsuit, two little kids happened by and noticed his black, zippered kilt. One said; "Look! He has a skirt! That man's a lady!"
` Haa haa haaaaa!
` A little later, while we were frolicking in the surf, which was hazardous because the further out I swam, the more disoriented I became. Sure, no crustaceans attempted to rob us of blood, though the water was trying to rock Dead Fetus Guy to sleep so that he would drown - or so he's said.
` That sea! Always trying to take us shore creatures! In fact, he even told me; "Remind me not to duck my head into the water, because my glasses will go away."
` Apparently, seas are notorious for luring away the hard-won glasses of ordinary citizens.
` Oddly, when we were coming back, we overheard some guy pointing to one of the sides of the beach, saying; "...and that beach over there is freshwater."
` Right... due to the magical powers of a section of the shore, the water loses its salt! Pssh!

` Right at this point in my writing, I left the apartment and started over to Book Listener's house, which began with a left turn past three lanes that was greatly delayed because my engine stalled! I managed to start my car again, but then I had to brake quickly when a bicycle built for two whizzed past....
` By then, I could see cars coming, and as my car choked and sputtered, they were forced to go around me. Then, as I began to continue, a motorbike passed me by going right in front of me, but luckily my car didn't stall and I was able to get into the turning lane before anyone plowed into me.
` Don't you hate it when that happens? Luckily, after my car stalled a few more times, I managed to get to Book Listener's house where I spent the night. We had groovy food, watched some movies, and I fended off her attempts of seduction and much tickling, as she really likes the way I squeal like a pig.
` I guess I am quite good at squealing, aren't I?
` I eventually extricated myself the next morning, after some lovely breakfast, and went to a nonexistant job interview. At this very moment, there is a strange man in the shower... by the name of B-rad (whose shower doesn't like him right now), and he is washing two days' worth of absolutely disgusting fiberglass insulation off of his bad gangsta self.
` By the way, since he has a bunch of musical talent, he has a Music Myspace. However, despite the fact that he can actually sing really well and wants to go into that, most of what he's already done is rap. (And most of his stuff is apparently original - he has quite an aptitude for this stuff!) Still, I like the fourth song he's put up - which is obviously a parody - "Sometimes I feel like... somebody's hatin' on me!"

` So, what was I saying? Oh yeah, funny things that people say. Well! Last Denny's night, I had been so struck by Xenophon's habit of saying things oddly (such as; "I know that human!"), I decided to write down a couple of really bizarre things that he'd said:
` "We're going to make a belly collar out of frozen Vic's Vapo Rub!"
` Wherever the hell that came from, I'll probably never know.... Also:
` "Wow! Camping! I could climb up trees and fall on people's tents (suddenly, someone put a spoon over his eye), oh, wow, you just took away my ability to see! That was so cool! It was like sunglasses, but they didn't let any light through!"
` Okay.... As you can tell, he's close to being neurotic.
` Also, someone at my table made this gyring, gimbling thing by attaching two forks to one another using a quarter (Nevada's, to be specific), and balancing them on the top of a salt shaker!
` Wish I'd had my camera. I also could have photographed R.C., the crazy gay guy who had met Lou last time who told me that he could tell Lou has a huge cock, and even conned a hug out of him in the parking lot!

` Oh yes, and I had also been talking about parties... well, I went to this dessert party which involved a teleconference with Al Franken and Barack Obama, several desserts, and me squeezing into some really tight pants.
` I didn't get to talk to Mr. Franken, although there were a lot of weird people who were at least physically present. The party itself was hosted by a somewhat interesting couple, and was populated by about eight other interesting people.
` One was Sign Guy, who has at his disposal much technology in the way of signs... in fact, he is the one who's been going around, sticking the words "practice safe" on Jeff Sax promotional signs! (Because Sax is kind of crazy.) Ye-ah!!
` Here's a picture of him, along with Left-Out Puppy. My only problem with this CDP is that....


` ...I had been attempting to photograph his electronic scrolling nametag as well, and it was behind a chair! How could I have overlooked that? So, I took another:


` Well, that was blurry and horrible, but what can I do? That vague form on the left, BTW, would be one of our hosts, Cheryl, who is a journalist and has even written a book on sugar-free desserts.
` Another interesting person who was there would be - and I thought there was something odd about him! - Ben Franklin Himself!! (Also known as 'Robin'.) And yes, I did get a picture of him, albeit a blurry one because I happened to be indoors....

` He's available for speaking as (for?) Ben Franklin at various political occasions if anyone should want to hire him.... In fact, he'd told me that his next stop was Texas... and oh!! He just sent me an e-mail that says:
Hiya, saw your comment on my Weblog about Ben Franklin, and wanted to
say thanks. Texas was great (three performances and much discussion
and sightseeing). Planning on going back when we can fit it in... WA
DC in the works as well.

Be well, Robin.
` You know, I think it's great how well the early leaders of this country have adapted to modern technology. Well, I hope he has a groovy time in Presidentland!
` And of course, how could anyone forget the ever-present Left-Out Puppy?

` That would be his 'See how cute I am? Please pay attention to me!' look. Well, anyway, the party was interesting, we listened to Al and Barack - not that I can remember at this point much of what they had said - and ate some varied and bizarre desserts, including a vegan cheesecake. Dandruff (who had in his possession a homemade chocolate peanut-butter tofu pie) almost joined us, though he said he was too tired because he had gotten up at six thirty in the morning.
` Well, I had gotten up at five-thirty... though I probably's had more sleep than he did. Anyway, too bad he missed out on the weird people and desserts. I think he would have liked it.

` Now it is later in the day. Lucas was so worn out from working too hard that not only did he keep dropping insulation during construction today, he left his wallet at Safeway and whoever found it apparently took thirty dollars out of it! Well, at least he got everything else in his wallet back....
` Plus, it's not like that's the most money in the world! In contrast, the crackheads downstairs are going crazy because they apparently displaced $200 worth of methamphetamines.
` I won't say anything else other than the fact that it's fun to mess with drug addicts!

` And now for something completely different - a Straight Dope!

Dear Cecil:

What's the origin of the word "buck," meaning a dollar? --Anonymous, Denver, Colorado

Cecil replies:

Lots of speculation, no firm conclusions. Next time we start a language we have to keep better notes. The leading theory at the moment is that buck comes from an old practice in poker. Evidently in the 19th century frontier card players were so thick they couldn't remember whose turn it was to deal from one hand to the next. So they placed a counter or token in front of the dealer du jour. This token was called a buck, since it was commonly a buck knife, whose handle was made of buck horn. When the time came for the dealer to surrender the job to someone new, he (you saw this coming) "passed the buck" to the new guy. Uh-huh.

A more plausible theory is that buck is short for buckskin, a common medium of exchange in trading with the Indians. As early as 1748 we have people writing, "Every cask of Whiskey shall be sold to you [Indians] for 5 Bucks." The transition to dollars seems only natural.

Curiously, "sawbuck," a ten-dollar bill, appears to be only indirectly related to buck. It got its name because some old ten-spots were denominated with Roman numeral Xs. The Xs looked like the X-shaped arms of the benches sawyers used to hold up logs for cutting. (Pictogrammic depiction: X-X.) The benches, which were vaguely similar to today's sawhorses, were called sawbucks.

--CECIL ADAMS

` Good ol' Cecil. Well, it's now the next morning and I've neglected to post this because I hadn't done anything for my bonus post. Well, that is what I shall do shortly:

10 comments:

Galtron said...

Well I simply must say, your boyfriend looks absolutely fabulous in his containment suit! And as far as young Dandruff goes--his new purple force field ensamble is really quite something!

Looks like you've had some crazy parties! A guy who defaces signs professionally.... Ben Franklin...... stabbing.... human habituated creatures.....

...and I'm surprised you didn't tell us any juicy details from spending the night at Book Listener's house!

crabcake said...

Madonna party hat boobs? I want one. And one of those bubble force fields too.

S E E Quine said...

` Thankfully, Galtron, there are no juicy details... other than the fact that Book Listener was wearing a very short nightgown/long shirt to bed and no underwear.
` Woo.
` Also, she put her tongue in my ear. I squealed tremendously and fought the creature off as she giggled at the fact that I can't make myself any less straight than I am.

` Crabby, I think you can get Madonna Party Hat Boobs at any party supply store. They're a hoot.
` As for the force field... you'd have to ask Dr. Nociceptor.

Aaron said...

Spoony, I didn't know you were into erotic asphyxiation. That 'containment' suit looks like it would get the job done.

Aaron said...

Where I come from we shoot varmits that come that close to the house. I have a couple notches from coons. Most of my notches come from opossums.

S E E Quine said...

` As barbaric as that sounds, I suppose that's admirable because it keeps raccoons with a genetic tendency to approach humans from breeding.
` Similarly, Lou kills all the spiders that show themselves, thereby selecting spiders that would rather keep themselves hidden in the walls.

` Speaking of varmints, I've just been camping out in the middle of nowhere. The only varmints that came close to the tent were ferocious, man-eating mice.
` Also, there was a huge, blue explosion in the sky!
` Pictures will be up soon!

Aaron said...

Well Spoony, natural (or unnatural) selection was not on my mind when it was time to shoot the varmits.

Those animals are pests on a farm. They get into livestock feed, pet food, trash, and anything else that's soft enough for them to eat. They're not exactly clean about it either.

Galtron said...

Yicky. Too bad unnatural selection doesn't get them all!

T DWORSKY said...

It is nice to read about the interesting creatures you hang out with. And I wanted to say that I admire the apparent hard work you put into your blogs. Great work.

Where did you find the chromosome fact about OCD? I'd like to look further into that.

I took a moment to read about your oral surgery nightmare. Having sedated many a person myself, I have to question whether your memory is entirely accurate about the ordeal. But for some reason I think it just might be and that is just plain hellish. I would link to it here for others to jump to but I simply don't know how.

(If you want to see more of Peppy, you'll have to click through my earlier chapters for now. If I have time tonight at work I will try to finish the current chapter. I have given myself a deadline of 30 days to finish the novel, all of which I will post on my blog.)

P.S. Do you have a day job??

S E E Quine said...

` Glad you admire my blogginess. Believe it or not, I used to put a lot more hard work into my blog than I do now, due to my lack of a 'real life'.

` I had to have either gotten that OCD thing from Nature or the Lancet.

` Wow, you read this whole thing? You have quite the attention span and stomach! Hope you thought it was as sickly amusing as it was disturbing!

` Yes, I shall be reading more of Peppy very soon, and no, I don't have a day job right now, though I was just out looking for one today!