Tuesday, March 28, 2006

A Letter to Dubya

` I know this is old… but damn, it’s funny! I just wish I knew who had written this!

Dear President Bush,

Congratulations on your election victory and for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from you and understand why you would propose and support a constitutional amendment banning same sex marriage. As you said "in the eyes of God marriage is based between a man and a woman." I try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination... End of debate. However, I do need some advice from you regarding some other elements of God's Laws and how best to follow them.

1. Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanness - Lev.15:19-24. The problem is how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

4. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2. clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself, or should I ask the police to do it?

6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination - Lev.11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this? Are there 'degrees' of abomination?

7. Lev.21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle-room here?

8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev.19:27. How should they die?

9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev.19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair, like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy considerable expertise in such matters, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

` If you think that there are not people out there who have amazingly similar views on ethics, check out these radio exerpts of Kent Hovind's radio show. Someone who's serious about stoning and amazingly intolerant of almost anyone - a dying breed in the Western world! I think we should keep them around just for the laughs.


Denny said...

you know im so glad you posted that. as i was having a converstion with this ninny and he made a couple of quotes form the bible and i wanted to spit in his face.

Aaron said...

Those are all very good points Spoony. I don't know why you have to bring Bush into it.

Your argument is against christian fanaticism. It's a solid argument, but I don't believe Bush is a fanatic. He hasn't advocated any of the points mentioned. He is an evangelical, but I wouldn't consider him fanatical.

I would've had no idea those passages were in the bible. It's a good thing you capitalized His name each time or I would've had to smite you myself.

S E E Quine said...

` Yes, I know, Bush never said all of those things... the point of the whole thing is: In order to be consistent in his level of fidelity to the bible, that stuff would all seem to follow.
` ...And, you see, that is where the humor comes in!

Denny said...

the only reason i like that passage has nothing to do with bush, i love it when two sides of things are shown so clearly. thats where the humor lies for me.

S E E Quine said...

` Indeed. That someone chose to make it all about Bush was incidental.

Amber said...

When any schmuck, president or not says that God wants them to invade a country, any country I consider them a fucking fanatic, period.

Denny said...

dont hold nothin back, tell us how you really feel.

S E E Quine said...

` Yes, Bush is not just a fanatic, he's a fucking fanatic!

Galtron said...

In fact, he is a [censored] fanatic!

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