Monday, March 27, 2006

Insanity. Do ya dig?

` Life has been insane. But first: Recently, I got something I actually thought was funny from Joke of the Day - which is a mailing list I haven't been able to sign out of since they really started to suck more than usual.


Ten Ways to Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity

1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.

2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.

3. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

4. In the memo field of all your checks, write "For Smuggling Diamonds."

5. Finish all your sentences with "In Accordance With The Prophecy."

6. Don't use any punctuation.

7. Order a diet water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

8. Specify that your drive-through order Is "To Go."

9. Put mosquito netting around your work area and play tropical sounds all day.

10. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.


` Ha! Pretty good, huh? Anyway, you may be wondering; 'What’s been going on with ol' Spoony?' Let’s see: Well, Thursday night I was hanging out with some geeks including ones I'll call Jesus, Nymphomaniac and Dead Fetus-Guy.
` You see, Jesus is nicknamed so because he closely resembles those old paintings of Jesus. So, when he introduced himself as Jesus, I said; ‘Yes, I noticed that!’ I also happened to give him a kickass pickup line along the lines of: "Care to be anointed?"
` As for Nymphomaniac... well, I guess it's kind of self-explanatory.
`Dead Fetus-Guy gets this particular Spoony-issued nickname because one of the cheloids he's gotten from getting his ears pierced is more than two inches thick and hangs down from his ear I-don't-know-how far. It rather reminds me of the episode of South Park where the school nurse has a dead fetus growing out of the side of her head.
` Also, he's a werewolf. Or no... a vampire. Actually, I forget which. And he was wearing fishnet sleeves!
` Anyway, we were hanging out, eating dinner, which Nymphomaniac was happy to prepare for us, talking about all kinds of crazy and geeky things.
` I recall that, when asked to pick the topic of philosophical discussion, Jesus caught the back of a potato chip bag. It was ‘designed to deliver freshness’. "But", he asked, "can freshness be delivered, or does it lie within? Discuss."
` That certainly made for an interesting conversation. On top of this, there was another bag of snack food nearby: Animal crackers which were fused together in naughty positions. We didn’t want to eat them, as we would rather preserve these incestuous baked goods. And so… the phrase 'Save The Incest' was born.
` A great T-shirt sloagan, eh?
` Shortly after that, so was another one: 'Posess the Children'. I forget how we came up with that - I think it was because we were joking about kittens possessing young children or some such thing…. Probably because this crazy woman, as a girl, killed a kitten by sealing it in a bucket, and then bragged about it. And then what? The spirit of the kitten possessed her? I don’t know. We were high on sleep deprivation.
` Anyway, what else had happened? Well, we had many interesting conversations and I wound up sharing the couch with Nymphomaniac. In fact, the next day we both ganged up on my superhero friend and... ah... tested his super strength.
` Goodness gracious!
` I come up with crazy ideas like this mainly because I can. And because I'm bored, trying to fulfill some kind of need. In fact, I'm thinking of packing up and moving to another country. If I can. In fact, I have been for a while. I really don't know what I'll do, though.
` Blaaaahhhhhhggggg!
` Well, I'm about done here at the library, and Mr. Lou Ryan is as well. So I'd better go.

16 comments:

Denny said...

so what country would you go to ?

Galtron said...

How about The Netherlands? I hear it's fun there.

Also... I take it you have ascended from 'Virgin Sex Goddess'?

cassie d said...

so, could your superhero friend do cock push-ups, or what?
What about your friend, Nympho?

heh heh heh....

my favorite jokes are #2:
"cassie, please dial cassie at 227 - cassie, please dial cassie at 227. Thank you"
and #5.

S E E Quine said...

` Japan sounds nice... in accordance with the prophecy.

` As for we three perverts, apparently we all have super talents. I don't know about any of Nympho's special abilities, but Lou very probably can do 'cock push-ups' as you say.
` It certainly is grossly humungous enough.

` And, even with Lou's super strength and endurance, we had him so exhausted that drops of sweat were pouring off him!
` It's the kind of thing that makes me wish I had sensation in the various sensitive parts of my body.

` Damn you, Dr. Benninger!! Well hey, I might be suing that son of a bitch soon, thanks to Lou's super lawyer friend!

Denny said...

cock push-ups....

S E E Quine said...

` Mmm-mmm-mmm!

Denny said...

you girls are naughty

S E E Quine said...

` It's a curse. Or a personality 'defect'. Whichever.

` Ands boyyy I luuuv to be defective!

Denny said...

actually i find defects more attractive than perfection

S E E Quine said...

` Well! That's good news for me, considering that I'm considerably screwed up.

Denny said...

aint we all sista. aint we all...

S E E Quine said...

` And anyone who says they aren't are hypocrites!
` Hypocrites? Wasn't he a philosopher?

Denny said...

ha !

S E E Quine said...

` And now, I finaly leave to pursue other boring things. There will be no more back-and-forth banter from here!

Denny said...

ah fooey and drat

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