` For the past week, I've been trying to send emails to this independent filmmaker who was going to film a movie in a field not too far away. Unfortunately, they won't go through, so I can't schedule an audition or even make him aware of my presence.
` Blah!! Wish he'd given out his phone number!
` Also, there's this hilarious redneck play I'd like to be in, except I can't because I'll be on a cruise at the time I'd have to be performing. I wanted to audition for the part of Lucinda, using her own personal monologue:
Well, I ain’t done that much, but I was Pork Queen of two Counties. I super tried hard to represent pork. I just want to be like Julinda. Remember, Julinda was Pork Queen in ‘87 before she got herself knocked up behind the Chevron by her cousin Trynell.` Isn't that a hoot? Though, I thought this one was the funniest of them all - it's the other character Lucinda is in love with... one who is suspected of murder!
` But when Julinda was Pork Queen everybody just loved her. She could sure make you think of bacon. And I just thought if I could be like that, well I’d be somebody. I’d make Bud really love me. But Cookie Cunckle she’s, stole Bud right out from under me. I guess it’s a love triangle.
` Bud, he said, “ I don’t love you no more. I love Cookie now.” I gave him some good times and that was it. Nothing for it. No, thank you Lucinda for not telling no one about my extra balls.
` He’s got six balls. Real small balls. I pretended to give him my virginity. You know, I put in a lot of effort. And Cookie with her big teeth and her tattoo of her Daddy right there on her titties, she just walks right between us like we got nothing.
I had a pet rooster named Ricky. He bit and he ate fried chicken. Come Summer we was gonna eat him ‘cause Mama said Ricky would make a fat casserole and she give me five dollars for it. And even though I loved Ricky, I was real interested in the killing. Mama axed him but he didn’t die none.` Ha ha haaa!! How outrageous is that? Oh well... I'll eventually be able to audition for something, eventually!
` He kept running around. He stayed that way. Never dying. Thinking he was a whole rooster with all his head. We had to feed him with a syringe straight down his neck. And he kept not dying and not dying and he still slept in my bedroom nuzzling his almost head to me.
` I real for sure loved that damn rooster. He made a noise like a clogged up drain, made me get that rainbow happy feeling inside my stomach when I hear that sound. Mama said we should let people look at him for money on account he could still do some tricks and people will pay to watch dead things keep on living. I made 35 dollars off Ricky.
` Then, one day I forget to syringe out his neck on account there were a bad accident on Highway 9 and we all ran out to count the dead people. Poor Ricky, he fills with juices and dies for real. And we ate him but he was real stringy. I spent that 35 dollars on some mail order cream that make you real smart. That cream never come. Mail man never delivers nothing and I stay stupid and alone.