Saturday, September 16, 2006

Do I need help for this?

` This bonus post is from early July, before I had the internet.

` I like Barnes and Barnes. And they like my boobies. Do you think I need to have my brain washed out with soap? Watch this video and judge for yourself!

` Moreover, look at the weird, gutter-oriented things they say in the Yahoo Group Voobaha! It gives me a break from my brain-frying studiousness... I just can't resist! This all occurred at a Time of Few Musical Performances, by the way. First off - as usual - Art and Artie were disagreeing on what music to provide us with. And - as usual - I began making up a bunch of crap in order to be weird...

...If perhaps you two were 'spiritually' glued together with a mysterious force, such as nacho cheese or linoleum, perhaps then you couldn't fight each other because you would be one person and so you'd have to agree to make more music.
` So, perhaps there's a way to do that?

spoony dear, who's fighting? I'm just hoping to make new B&B music. this other stuff doesn't really fire me up the way it does RT. but if the THREE of us were glued together... naked of course... now imagine the mathematical possibilities...

toomp
yeah

Ooooh, a Spoony sandwich! That IS inspiring! Think of the possibilities..... My wife wouldn't approve though, I don't think. My boyfriends wouldn't approve either...... Damn.

RT-

` That's too bad... I know my boyfriend would approve!

Spoony

Ok, he can watch....

RT-


` If you think that's shameless faux-flirting... well... keep going until your head explodes!

...Artie and Al are closer than I thought.

Joey!

Al and I have NEVER had sex! I swear it. Well, almost, but that's another story. He wouldn't wear a condom...

RT---

Just uploaded another nifty scan...it's the Barnes & Barnes logo, the "classic", "original" one! As designed by Joan Farber! You know her! She's Mook! Or maybe Beanhead. Not sure. But enjoy the high quality logo scan. More to come-- perhaps?

Joey!

She is Beanhead...

RT-


` I really don't want to know the story behind the names 'Mook and Beanhead'... or do I?

Spoony

We used to have intercourse with them. Now we hardly talk to them. Life is.......sad.....sometimes...

RT-


...So am I right at all with this hunch? Is the Zabagabee mix of Soak It Up the version that got you signed to Boulevard?

Joey!

No, but it's similar. ...One day we'll put the original demo out, but it's pretty close to the Zabag. version.

rt-


The day is coming when you'll put everything out, Artie. I'm just sitting here waiting for that day.

` Artie putting out everything. This conjures up a strange image.

Spoony

...and smell...

Tim

...I watched the YouTube test video, the only one you've uploaded so far. You're not wearing a shirt. The camera is shaky. You're singing "Fish Heads", except you replaced all references to Fish Heads with references to YouTube. And your son is giggling. It was an experience. And I loved how you left all 8 comments on your own video. :P

Joey

` I'm definitely saving your profile URL in my gmail! Perhaps someday I'll have headphones for which to hear!!!

` YAY!!!

Spoony

Artie! I am hurt you did not accept my humble youtube friend request! Without it I have nothing left to live for...

Somebody pass me that revolver full of razor-blades and expired perscription pills.

Andrew

Same here! I wanna be your YouTube buddy, Artie! Why won't you let me? (my username there is TheSwillMan, just so you know)

Joey!

Sorry guys, I didn't know what it meant. I'll go look it over again-

RT-


` AMAZING!!! I finally got onto a library internet station that a) plays YouTube videos and b) has headphones! Both at the same time!!!!
` ...And I just wanna say... Artie, are there any other animals you regularly torture? I wanna get in on this. Next, perhaps you can make an irritating video for PETA!! Seriously, though... I'm curious to see what other kinds of weird things you are willing to do. Are there any plans for, say, powering the bicycle with the power of cheese? Actually, I could pinch you. With my vagina. Ohhh my library session is up in 10 seconds. Byeee!!!


Spoony


A vaginal pinch. I like that! I'll think about it. Does that come with an anus and breasts? You live near L.A.?

RT-


` Luckily for you, Mr. Haimer, you are safe from my grasp: I live way up in the sunny, windy city of Everett Washington, which is near Seattle, one of the top homes of the fruits and nuts.
` Nevertheless, I do have an anus and breasts which are completely unfreaky. However, anything that should ever enter my anus never happens to come back out in one piece. I think it's my alien tapeworm.
` And for your viewing pleasure, here is a picture of me resembling Strange Al as a hot girl in pajamas, investigating a square zone of acne on my arm.... Oh yeah!! So sexy!!!
` ...Oh, it is sexy, isn't it? Damn. Here's a much less sexy picture of me.

` Hmmm. Damn. I love drawing the attentions of musicians with my likeness. Especially weird, hot middle-aged ones who freak their dogs out on videotape.
` Well, internet session's up in three minutes. Got to go!


Good god, so sexy..... oh yes....I may orgasm....

RT-


` Haaa!!! I am somewhere else, listening to swing music and paying for internet now! I'm buying it with... sex. Yes, that's it! I'm an internet whore, then. Just can't get enough'a dat sweet, sweet internet!!!

` Glad to know you 'may orgasm'. *Giggles girlishly* You and the rest of the world!! Mua ha ha ha haaaaa! Someday, I'll seduce an attractive president and then... THE WORLD!!!
` ...Perhaps soon I will live in Japan, however.... Perhaps I can take you there and we can seduce horny Japanese teenagers. Fourteen is the age of consent there, you know. We can convert them to our sick and twisted musical ways!!!
` Mua ha ha ha haaaa! Hee he heeeee! Eeeeee he he heee!
` ...While I'm there I'll probably seduce the Prime Minister, who I think is Junichiro something-or-other. And then... THE WORLD!!!
` Hey, that reminds me; who is the current most powerful leader of Lumania at the moment? Can he easily be corrupted? (Don't tell me; it's Art!?!!!)

` Well gottago: Internet time is money. I mean... sex. Yeah. That's it.

You simply must take me along.

Joey


` Be my guest!!!

` I wonder if I've managed to freak Artie out? If so, I think I shall scrawl this as a 'win' in my newtbook.... Sara

Oh, my beloved Sara.... I'm still pondering the vaginal squeeze statement......

RT-


` *girlish mad scientist-giggling*
` Hmmm. I know... do you have any type of place that could serve as a laboratory? Maybe your next video can include your dog being experimented upon so that it glows pretty colors! That's the kind of thing I would pay to see!
` ...Even though I can see that in my own lab.
` Heck, I would even pay to see you shouting at trees for being so... tree-y.
` But experiments are nice.
` Especially when I'm one of the subjects.

Spoony


Hello!

I'm responding to this to cut the endless rehash of every previous message in each incoming reply!

So how's bayou?

Steven Finch, Attorney At Law

Well, I'm responding to this to add the endless rehash of every previous reply that is sure to come!
I had some Chef Boyardee today!
I listened to Wild Man Fischer!
I played New Super Mario Bros.!
I could go on and on!

` !!!!!!!!!! Someone at Lou Ryan's apartment building has WIRELESS! I'M ON THE INTERNET AT HOME!!!! WOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!

` I'm crying. It's so beautiful. I've been without since December....

` Now I have more time to do my internetty things and flirt with Artie!!!!

` Sara/Spoony

Artie must see some Spoony boobs, to make sure she is actually a "she". The internet can be a strange and cruel world... Heh heh.....

RT-


Just wondering if anyone else is getting the idea that these two want to be alone... LOL! I think I'll go now.

S.

Oh gosh, it's only sex....

RT-


Oops, sorry, I'll come back then.

S.

` Trust me, I have genuine boobs, made super-hard by the skin patches for the prevention of mutant creatures that I wear, which are what make the Zones of Acne I was admiring on my arm.
` Which reminds me; men can also have genuine boobs if they take enough estrogen! When you think about it, almost any woman could be a man. Take҆u§anne, for instance. How do we know she's not a man??!!

` HOW DO WE!?!?!??!?!

Sara/Spoony

We don't know she is NOT a man! We need to see her genuine female breasts also! The Great Artie demands it! Thank you very much....

RT, the Great.....


How do we know YOU are NOT a woman?!

My genuine female breasts are 100% real with no artificial flavoring and coloring, no filler and no surgeries. And if I showed you a picture how would you believe it was me?!

P.S. About your dog torturing... At least you didn't give your dog peanut butter like I did once.

~ Susanne

Peanut butter! Good idea! Although, I have some new dog torture ideas I've come up with, soon to be implemented!

RT-

*Scrambles to grab leash and runs off to take your dog for a nice long walk off a short pier*

Susanne


I'll be putting some more stuff on YOUTUBE soon. (In the next week or 2). I may show my....boobies. Excited? I am!

RT-


I hope you have at least figured out if your dog likes crunchy or
creamy peanut butter.

Susanne

...As if one fantastic piece of B&B media wasn't enough, here's another I'll vomit all over you good people! You guys (as in, B&B) have said before that you like it when people cover your stuff...so let's put that statement to the test.
My friend and I covered Auto Suck, with
the help of the MIDI posted by Steven Shilling a couple months ago. Added our own little snippets of dialogue to kind of mirror the Wild Man Fischer things you had on the original track.
Secretly recorded.
Don't ask. Or go right ahead.
Just wondering if anyone around here,
especially Haimer/Mumy, get a kick out of it. Speaking of Mumy, he hasn't posted in, like, forever. He still alive?

still alive.
or not.
yeah.
toomp

"Toomp?" That is soooooo four months ago.

Andrew


` Hee hee!

` As I have said to Joey, his Auto Suck is pretty groovy. It is a worthy homage, I think, to the Barnes Brothers.

` I wonder if Art's really busy with some secret project?

Spoony

Fuckin' A, dude! TOOMP is SO over! Billy Mummy should find a new word for us already.

Love, RT-


yeah.

` HE'S ALIVE!!!

` So, is that it? Yeah?

Art is in a great depression funk. He underwent shock treatments. No help at all. He had much plastic surgery and liposuction, penile reconstruction, anal bleaching, etc. He's on all the latest greatest medication therapies.
Nothing works. He's now undergoing extreme treatments he'd rather not have me discuss. It's terribly....sad.....

Love, RT-


` Sounds painful, mentally and physically! Any chance me and my boobs can cheer him up?

Spoony


Great chance. That's the only therapy he hasn't tried....

RT-


Hmmm, perhaps. worth a try, anyway. Bring 'em on, Spoony. Share those puppies. Could be the cure. yeah. toomp. art

Yes, quit teasing. We MUST examine them, virtually! You can trust your Uncle Art and Artie! We are here, looking out for YOU! It could give us the answers to the whole mysteries of life! Toomp!

RT-

C'mon, Spoony...give us the goods already! Tell that Lou Ryan he has to share! He he.

Joey!


Spoony may be comfortable only showing us, Art and Artie, the goods..... Quite understandable.

RT-


Ooh, Artie...now you're trying to steal away what rightly belongs to all of us? No way! You and
Art may be gods, but we lowly mortals want a piece of the action too!


Joey!


C'mon, get in line, dude. Take a number.

Love, RT-


*rip*

I Farted most rhythmically

Steve


` Hey you guys, I have a most interesting business proposal: You can all have a piece of my boobies if Art and Artie help out my superhero boyfriend in his musical career.
` He is an awesome blues/rock 'n roller guy who has plenty of groovilicious original material. Is there any chance you could help get him a record deal? He's already a rock star on the inside....
` By the way, here's a super-blurry-and-goofy-looking photograph of him. Okay, here's a much better one . He really kicks ass! He can even sing on key! Teenage girls have thrown their panties at him. People have even fainted due to his awesomeness. He's really hot and muscly, too! Currently, he is making some yummy pizza with some complementary bread I got from a bakery (the best kind!!) and I can't stop staring at his ass.

` PLEEEEEEEEEEEEASE can you help the little cutie?

Spoony/Sara

We wish we could help all talented musicians, but alas, we can't even help ourselves..... barely.. There are no more record deals out there, 'cept for the chosen few. (Honest!) You just have to have lotsa talent and keep persevering. The cream will rise to the top. Take advantage of the internet, is probably the best advice to give to musician's starting out nowadays. Get your stuff onto the download sites. Put out your own cd's. Sell them anyway you can. (Ebay, Itunes,etc). Make a video. Put up websites about yourself. Have a blog. Put stuff on Youtube and all those kinda sites. It's a new world. That's the most help we can give anyone, right Art? Hello Art? Are
you still with us? Toomp...

RT-

` I thought it was worth a shot... well, I suppose you're right - the internet is the only way to go. Thanks anyway.

` Oh, and, no boobs for you!!!

It's a hard business. Please tell me that you agree. It's a hard
business. It's hard for you and hard for me.

Joey


As usual... You must know my wife....

RT-


...He's now undergoing extreme treatments he'd rather not have me discuss. It's terribly....sad.....

Love, RT-
I'm sincerely sorry to hear about that. While it is indeed very sad,
I have a more serious problem.

My fave band is on hiatus all summer. What will I do with myself next
month?

Susanne

Ooh, I know! Count the little holes in the ceiling!
Joey!

OK, I tried that. But the little holes are turning into little
musical notes and now I hear "My Sweet Selena".

Susanne


I will soon try to shave my dog, on camera, for your amusement. And I may touch his sensitive tushie. He doesn't like that. It will be fun for all! Dog torture number 3, coming your way!!!

RT-

How about shaving Art on camera? And touching his tushie? I bet it's really sensitive.

Joey


It's VERY sensitive! And cute!

RT-


To be expected from a man who sang a cover of Pineapple Princess...^^

Joey!


` MMmmmmmm. Shaving Art sounds delish, but I suppose the same idea would be ideal for Dog Torture #3!

Spoony

I Have No Ass

Steve

That sounds a bit cruel.

Why don't you try a double feature?

Susanne

` Mmmmmmmmmmmm.

Spoony

Yes, we're waiting...patiently...very patiently.

While we're waiting, how about talking about reissues? I only have 3
B&B CDs, so I'm thinking about expanding my collection. Are there any
new or old upcoming in the near future?

Susanne

Me, Artie, just put up 3 new things on Youtube. Check them out. (under "artiebarnes". It's one word or 2, I forget...) You may love them or hate them. It's all good. Hopefully, a NEW Voobaha cd reissue is coming end of the year. WITH a few never before heard songs! WOW! A reason to live!! We may dump a few of the old bonus cuts off the 1996 release. And we may have MORE surprises coming for you in the next buncha months, also! Double wow!!

RT-


Cool and interesting songs! Never heard "L.A. Woman" by The Doors, but the expression on your face when you said TOOMP at the end is priceless! That word kind of reminds me of a scrunched up tube of toothpaste. Great cowboy hat!

Susanne

I am loved..... thank you.... toomp!

RT-



` So, what do you think? Does this shameless messing around with such tasty cretins sound sad to you? Or is it more sad that I once tried out different IM addresses looking for Bill Mumy and posted this in each of them:

I know it's an ungodly hour somewhere in the world, but after wandering aimlessly through Lumania, I thought I'd knock on this IM address and see if anyone was home.

I don't expect you to spare a cup of cheese or anything, but it's just as well; I don't have anything interesting to say.

` Come on, please tell me how sad that is!!

` You can watch more videos of Artie and Art (and Artie's dog, child, etc.) make asses of themselves on Artie's YouTube site. If you disagree to submit to such terms please reconsider:

` Listen to the nice computer voice!

4 comments:

Galtron said...

That was quite a..... tirade of weirdness.

And any song that starts with the words Momma can't poop, Momma can't pee.... what possesses people to go ahead and sing them? And the way the one Art says 'Goodbye!' is really creepy.

I am much worse for wear, I think.

At least I was reminded to eat my vegetables.

dadoodaidy said...

I just think it's like an acquired taste kinda like beer and cheese.

S E E Quine said...

` Yes, Artie does do some strange voices. I don't know what's wrong with those boys, but I do know that it prevents them from going mainstream.
` I am sorry to hear that it has damaged your health.

` Indeed, Susanne, beer and cheese art acquired tastes. Of the Arts.

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