Thursday, April 17, 2008

I'm back to tell the tale (of what's been going on over the past couple weeks)

I have good news and bad news. First, the bad news: I'm unable to upload the photos I'd planned to use because the image hosting site I was using has been permanently closed. The good news: That means you get the whole story at once! (Otherwise there would be too many photos to put everything in one post.)

I was planning to start with a photo of me at midnight on my birthday, lonely and staring into the bathroom mirror. I'm sad in this photo because my superhero boyfriend, Lou Ryan, had driven to Portland earlier to do movie business - in my car no less!

On the morning of my birthday, I woke up to the sound of a barking dog and Violet the pit licker - also have a photo of my birthday pit licking.

There were no presents, but I did have a bag of seventeen species of conifers. For me? But the cats wanted to play with them first. (There's a photo here too.)

Having no car, I headed to school on foot. I have many photos of strange/artful things, but you'll have to wait to see those, won't you?

After a freezing, two-hour trek down four miles of sidewalk - with nary a zipper or fastener on my coat - I arrived at school ten minutes early.

After my first and most interesting class, I ate all the food I had been carrying on me and decided that my most cost-effective option was to head down to Subway for a veggie sub. (On my way I snapped a photo of the new bus complex, which I considered using to get back home in case I was too weak to walk up.)

Anticipating a tasty wad of blood sugar-stabilizing vegetables, I was shocked to find that... Subway had no veggies!

The horror!

So, I went up to the cafeteria and had myself a salad. I was really feeling exhausted and sick and my limbs were trembling from weakness. (I have a photo of myself looking so sad.) But then, who should show up but... X-Dan!!!

He was back from his trip to Washington D.C. I was so happy! Happier still, I asked what his next class was and it was... Botany! Same as me! So, I let him check out my seventeen species of conifer branches! (I have a pic of this too.)

Then we went to class and looked at pine cones. I was so happy! I even made a friend, who crawled across my notebook and hand. (I have photos of this, too.)

Fun college fact about X-Dan: Thom, my favorite art instructor ever, calls him Lunch Lady Doris! (You can see the art final I did in Thom's class here on my art blog.)

After the day was done, I walked the two hours home. No, didn't take the bus, just walked home, because I knew I'd be too exhausted to go to the gym and I needed to use my muscles a little so I could digest food properly. (That's the thing with being me - I'll starve without exercise!)

I was utterly exhausted by the time I returned home, so I went to take a nap. That's when the bastard crow started yapping again, along with the damn dog. I would have sic'd my cats on both of them, but I was too tired.

Lou Ryan did not even make it home on my birthday - according to the comments on my very interesting and humorous Erich von Daniken vs. The Ancient Egyptians post (von Daniken loses, of course), he returned home the next day at 1:13 a.m., Blogger time.

He did, however, surprise me after school with a basket of flowers and balloons, which the cats enjoyed quite a bit more than I did. (Photos of this as well!)

Those cats are so zany! Vada's been taking to jumping on the table and not getting down when we spray her with the spray bottle. Instead, she just stands there, then gets down and sits in front of the heater to dry off. Silly cat!

And now, some crazy gossip about the crazies living around here:

As I may or may not have mentioned, this messed-up bitch who can't keep her mouth closed for one minute (I'm not kidding - it's unreal!) once told our former landlord that we hadn't moved out of our old apartment when we certainly had. So, he came asking for rent money from us, until we showed him the absolutely empty - and clean! - apartment.

Guess what she's done now? As I've mentioned many times, we don't have a gas furnace or an oven, and our new slumlord expects us to use the gas stovetop for heating and keeping the room from getting full of condensation.

The gas stovetop, people! It don't work - tiny amount of heat, lot o' fumes! And he refused to fix the oven, saying we could just use the stovetop for everything! Seriously!!

I've also mentioned how this method of heating/drying doesn't work at all and is very dangerous. So, we've been using our electric heaters anyway, which we're not supposed to do.

So what does the bitch do? Next time the slumlord came by she told him that we told her to use the electric heater instead of the gas heater like we did because it was cheaper for us.

Even crazier, I was standing right there beside him! She said it with no apparent realization that she was getting us in big trouble!

We still continued using the heaters anyway, because there's no way the stovetop would work - and as for gas furnaces, you may recall that we did have a gas non-furnace which was basically a giant gas leak that we had to get rid of before it killed us.

Besides heaters, Lou and I have also been jogging to keep ourselves warm. We were jogging towards the field where I almost died of sleet-eyeball poisoning and there was this old guy letting his dog out of his car to crap on the ground.

Lou yelled many times, "Hey! Are you going to pick that up?" Finally, the guy acknowledged him and said, "Yeah!" And then he opened his car door, the dog jumped in, and he drove away, leaving the steaming pile on our jogging path!

Seriously, what is wrong with people around here?

Well, B-Dizzle was fleeing from this girl who did crappy things to him, then made him get rid of his dog, tried to get him to hit her in front of other people and then poisoned him! I think she just wanted him to be out of the picture so she could have his stuff.

Did I happen to mention that people are messed up around here?

He was feeling okay, though not having a car (nor sufficient eyesight to drive one) Lou Ryan was just pulling out of the driveway to take him to work. Yes, the driveway was all the further he got. Suddenly, B-Dizzle felt like he was dying horribly and they happened to be right by an ambulance, who was taking someone on a stretcher into the nursing home. (You know, the really abusive one we live next to that the old guy jumped out the window of that one time?)

The ambulance guy determined that B-Dizzle was not dying, though he needed to get to a hospital, so... he called a different ambulance to take him! They were gone for about six hours.

When they got back, B-Dizzle was covered in electrodes (which I got a good shot of) and was hallucinating. He said he saw the keys on the piano playing by themselves. Then Lou said, "we just got that feature newly installed!"

Then B-Dizzle was petting Vada and I asked if Vada was looking strange and he said, "I'm not paying attention to her, I'm looking at the chimpanzee next to her!" Then he was trying to sleep on the couch and was jarred awake. He said, "Hey, did you hear that gigantic mouse go by?"


When he finally woke up, he was considerably less drugged, though still a bit wonky.

Later on, we found a temporary home for his dog... with the motormouth bitch and the idiot living with her. (How does he stand it? I guess, since she has no teeth, she can give the best blow jobs around. Did I mention how messed up people are around here?)

Well, at least she was impressed that the dog was perfectly-behaved, so at least she had someone to lavish love upon after her former husband took possession of her children - because she beat them!

Meanwhile, the next day Director Nathan Lee came up from Portland and worked in the studio. He finished editing The Ripple Effect on the Mac Pro, which is the computer I'm using right now since it doesn't have as many internet issues as mine has been. (I hate cable internet. It's all but obliterated in the afternoon and evening when people come home from work and use their share of the bandwidth.)

B-Dizzle slept in the studio and Nate slept on our couch that night. Yes, that's what I meant when I said there were two other men living in the apartment. They were! And the next day, B-Dizzle was recovering from his ordeal while taking steps to get his life in order. (Poor B-Dizzle!)

Meanwhile, Nate and Lou Ryan were waiting, once again, for the perpetually late and annoying rap artist who, as you may know, we did a music video for and then he told Nate that the video rocked while simultaneously telling Lou that people were 'clowning' on him because it was so bad.

Everyone who saw the video (and knew the rap artist) agreed that it was a great video and this was just his way of getting out of paying for it. They made a compromise that Nate would re-edit the video to the rapper's specifications, and they already had done part of that. He didn't show up to finish the re-editing until Nate was leaving, as I wrote about a few posts back.

We got hungry waiting for him, so we went to Subway for lunch (there are about six Subways in town!). I mention this because of Nate's odd eating habits. Not only does he prefer his food cold, he ordered a tuna-meatball sub (and waited for it to cool down, of course).

The rapper never did show up. Instead, he waited until the night when Nate was driving back home to Portland to call him up. Nate didn't answer, since he was driving. Then he called Lou Ryan, who also didn't answer since he was asleep at the time. So then, he left Nate some threatening text messages about meeting an unexpected end.

That was kinda scary. Then, the next night our sleep was interrupted by the motormouth bitch who said that B.D. went after her cat, crashed through furniture, picked the cat up, shook it, and bit her. Lou Ryan and I suspect that this is a huge exaggeration because her apartment was not in disarray and her cat seemed to be fine.

So, the dog wound up tied in the main room of the apartment building where our old apartment was (and the studio still is) since we couldn't take her in because we had cats. In fact, to test her cat-friendliness, I took Violet over for a visit. B.D. snapped at Violet and Violet wound up on the other end of the room with her fur standing on end.

Hmmm. Not a cat-loving dog. Except maybe for consumption. (Since she's a pit bull, we think she may have been given cats as playthings to tear apart. Nevertheless, her behavior is otherwise stellar. I also have pictures of the dog as well.)

The day after that, Lou Ryan was driving me around because he needed my car. We had just eaten lunch and were pondering exactly what the bike cops would do with the guy on the bike we had witnessed them handcuffing. What do they do in this situation? Put the guy on the handlebars and impound his bike?

Lou was driving me back to school when the rapper called him on his cell phone to complain about the re-edit of the rap video. (Well yeah, I admit it is kinda dumb after his changes and stupid special effects were added.) I could hear him because Lou had clipped the phone to his shirt and put it on speakerphone so he at least wouldn't have to hold the damn thing to his ear.

He was at it again, complaining about the blurry parts, saying Nate screwed up the video and said, 'sorry, I screwed up your video' and wouldn't fix it. Excuse me? He said, "no, he doesn't want to work with me! I give up!" Lou was like, "What do you want, then?" He said, "I don't want nothin'!"

Whoa-kay!! For a while there, we were afraid his goons would be after us. Finally, he just demanded his money back and that was that.

Back to Botany class; a couple days later, X-Dan had mysteriously disappeared again and I realized that I was missing a textbook. Thank goodness it was only 30 bucks. I was going down to the bookstore to get it when I found the shelf empty. I went back towards the front of the bookstore and found that the girl who sits next to me in class had taken the last copy!

As Lou Ryan says; "Arrrgh!"

Then I spent hours in the library fruitlessly looking for sources for my Anthropology project. The next day (I remember this one was a Saturday) I spent three more hours before I finally found something.

Later that day, Lou Ryan gave the rapper the 300 measly dollars he had demanded back. This was a huge blow to Lou Ryan productions, being that it took a lot more money than that to make the damn video for him! We were right, though - the guy just wanted his money and his video both, but had to settle for just the money.

It was also a blow to Lou Ryan and one of his friends who, apparently because Lou Ryan is white, did not try to defend him against the rapper. And if that wasn't enough, the rapper told people that he had actually beaten Lou Ryan up and robbed him!

What a fuckstick! (Well, do you think that word is warranted?)

On the fourteenth, just after I had come home from school, B-Dizzle got home from work and pointed out that I had a three-day notice posted on my door. Like... what? Didn't I pay the slumlord two weeks ago? And why didn't he knock if he was just here?

It turns out that the check I had written the slumlord was one from my box o' checks because I couldn't find my checkbook when I had needed to pay him. (I found it right after, of course!) Somehow, the stack of checks on top was from my old account, which I had closed due to mail tampering, though the two beneath it were from my current account.

But, did he call us to inform us about this so I could just write him another check? (He knows I'd never gyp him! I always pay on time!) The slumlord insisted that he did call, though there was no evidence of this on either of our cell phone records. Nope. He didn't call at all, just slapped the notice on our door (or someone did, anyway) so he could fine us $133!

What a freaking punk!

This was especially bad because I didn't have enough to pay him so Lou had to chip in. We're really poor right now.

I was pretty stressed and tired by this point, so I went to take a nap. Now, tell me you don't believe in bad luck. (Which is a chronic condition I've been slowly recovering from since early adulthood, though I've had massive flare-ups - like the torture/mental hospital incident - from time to time.)

Oh yes. If things couldn't get any more retarded, by the time I'd woken up, both our K-Marche electric heaters had stopped working Yes, that's right. (I strongly suspect they have a built-in lifespan.) So, we went to the store to return them, carrying the receipts and the thing that says we have insurance on them.

But they couldn't take stuff back themselves - instead, we had to call this number and they would send us a mailing label so we could ship them the heaters and they would reimburse us.

Fair enough. But... we're cold now!

Though it had been 76 degrees the day before, it was kind of cold once again. Tired of a day spent heating the apartment with the toaster oven (!) I went to some stores to find another heater, just to get us through the last month or so of cold days. No store I went to had any! Why? It's springtime! Hello? How can you sell a heater in springtime, right? Irritated, I returned to my clammy toaster oven-heated home.

We had all the windows shut so it was humid - when I went to take a shower there was about 2 feet of visibility. (I have a picture of course - you can't tell if I'm in the shower or not!) It's so weird how wet it gets in here without heat!

But before I get too far ahead of myself, you may wonder what's the story with B-Dizzle? He's still sleeping in the studio. For a while he was also sleeping in there with B.D. each night after he got home from work at 3 a.m., but then one day a neighbor's mom actually took the dog to the beach and then tied her back up on the porch where she had been at the time. We were really happy about that, actually. Not only did the dog have fun, she also saw some cats and they got away!

Thankfully, this woman actually took the dog in (at least for now)! Happy times! B.D. even wound up tied to the porch once again while she was visiting! She actually seemed pleased to be lying on the porch-couch, knowing that she wouldn't be forgotten again (I assume).

On Wednesday (yesterday) another happy thing happened - I went with my class to Washington Park in Anacortes!

No, I did not get pictures of the green sea and the green islands and the lilies and other plants my botany class was looking for. I did sketch some, though. I also found out what a Madrona tree is - it has shiny leaves and totally smooth bark. It's really weird. (Turns out we have them out back!)

This one girl in my class who wears a bonnet and stuff and is kind of Amish-like (of course she isn't - in fact, she had buttons and a digital camera and she's taken online classes but I am too shy to ask her about that) said that when she was little she always called them 'sunshine trees' because they reminded her of sunshine. I can see that. Much better than my word for them - creepy shiny trees! I think I'll start calling them sunshine trees instead, actually.

The landscape was really stellar - too bad I did not bring my camera. On the way back, we went the tulip route (the tulip festival is going on!) and even pulled over in the midst of a flock of about ten thousand snow geese, spread over the fields! (I suspect global warming is behind their tardiness in migration to Alaska.)

All at once, about two thousand of them took to the air and flew over the van! Though my open window I could feel the beating of their wings and probably also the honking against my skin. Every which way I looked was the flurry of white wings! I was, of course, a bit leery about having the window partly open, though it was the windshield that had received a huge green splat.

When Lou picked me up after I'd returned from school (at five in the evening), he surprised me with - would ya know it? - a new heater! He found it at K-Marche on the top shelf, up against the wall where it was out of view to anyone standing closer than 30 yards away.

He's good.

So now we have enough heat to get us through any cold days coming our way - the only problem is that it's very loud. Cest la vie! (Too lazy to add French punctuation marks.)

Not only that, but the next day at school (our first botany exam) who should show up again but X-Dan! Apparently, some illness or another had taken him out of commission and made him miss most of our classes so far. Poor X-Dan! I'm glad he's back, though. We're going to hang out this weekend!

What else is up? I think the last thing on the list is something that just happened at around ten this evening: The slumlord took a couple of Lou Ryan and B-Dizzle's things - things which were outside of the apartment - and threw them in the back of a garbage truck! Lou Ryan was pretty mad.

So, he broke the basement door.

A few minutes later, there was a bunch of clucking going on about that from various residents. The neighbor aptly named 'Jackass' was saying that he'd kick the ass of whoever did it - probably meant B-Dizzle, though. Er... yeah, after he takes his nitrous oxide, seeing as he's recently had a heart attack.

Yeah, it keeps getting better and better, doesn't it? Hopefully next time I'll have proportionally more good news to tell you. (Oh, and photos.) For now, ciao!

Update on April 20th: A little more story here!


barman said...

OK, that is it. I am send you over come "war kittens" to see if thay can help you out.

I guess I have not read enough of your blog to understand how it is the slum lord can get away with you having broken things and telling you to use the toaster oven to heat you place. It strikes me that he could get in trouble over that.

You know, your life always seems to be so complicated, so twisted. Are you keeping a journal or something. It seems to me you could make a soap opera out of all the goings on or something. It would not be the same as the real thing however. Sorry you were lonely on your birthday. Most unpleasant thing for sure. Can I offer you a few b'day spankings or possibly some candles and maybe a tofu cake or something? You can always heat the place with the candles.

So Violet is a pit licker? I remember a cow with the very same name. Most clever for sure.

Well I hope you can get those pictures somewhere to share soon. They simply sound marvelous. Oh and one question... with your marvelous mind, how is it you ever manage to walk somewhere and actually get there? I would think you would constantly be being distracted by the latest find.

Hopefully sending you some good luck your way. That was with the horse shoe opening up, right? Have a nice weekend.

Sometimes Saintly Nick said...

Sorry you b-day wasn't more fun, but it does sound as if it was adventurous.


May all your birthdays bring you joy;
many, many, more;
years to journey.
May each new day be as wonderful as the last;
discovering life's bounty;
filled with love, health, and happiness.
May your heart find its path;
through all that you do;
God continue to bless you.

Galtron said...

GalTron's Amazing Running Commentary:

Can't wait to see the pictures of you on your birthday!

Going to your art blog next.

Uh, Spoony? Barman is right. Why don't you call the cops on that guy?
Of course I realize that it was the gas stovetop he wanted you to heat your place with, not the toaster oven. So... which one works best?

Damn motormouth bitch!

Damn leech bitch! So, is she going to jail for that?

Wow! So you're saying B-Dizzle was hallucinating from the drugs they gave him at the hospital, not the poison? (I have an idea of what this might refer to.)

Damn toothless child-beating motormouth bitch!

I take it that's nothing but a crock with the rapper?

And the second thing --yes I think the word is warranted.

Damn slumlord!

Yay! Some good things!

Damn slumlord again!

Hey, I must finish the story before I go to your art blog!

Barman is also right that you could make a soap opera. Or a book or something!
Hope you have something happy to write about soon!

Whoops --I have to go do something really quick. I'll read your other stuffs later. Can't wait!

Can't wait for the photos! Are they going on your website!

Cara said...

Hi Seequine,

Belated Happy Birthday to you.

The motormouth bitch sounds very much like one of the horrid tenants I am trying to get rid off. You can find a tag of her in my blog as 'bigmouth', because just like yours, she never shuts up.

I love Tulips. They are one of my favourite flowers.

Sorry to hear about your financial woes, losing money to an irate rapper and getting fined for a bounced check.

Hope things heat up soon so you and Lou Ryan don't freeze to death.



S E E Quine said...

` Indeed, Barman, war kittens would be great! Now that I have sound, I think that commercial is fun-e!
` You know, that's what I wonder myself. Mainly I don't try to get him in trouble because this is the only place in town we can afford and I don't want him kicking us out.
` Sad, huh?
` Luckily, he has a plan to get us moved into a house if we can just nab a few housemates!
` I have started kind of keeping a journal in my Anthropology folder. Now for getting around to finding an image hosting place that doesn't screw with my photos and delete them....
` Spank away!
` I actually nicknamed the cat after the cow - she started licking my pits just after I saw that post!
` How do I not get distracted while walking? I take Ritalin. Now I hardly ever just stop in my tracks with no warning.
` Horseshoe opening up? I was not aware that horseshoes could do such a thing!

` Thanks, Nick! I hope you and Alex are both in good health at the moment! Silly cat, making himself bald!

` Galtron, I am amazed! Are these comments part of your Thought Organization plan? You're getting good at it! Can you teach me?
` Actually, I think the toaster oven works best: Though they're in about the same spot, the toaster oven is able to radiate heat outwards as well as upwards.
` Yes, B-Dizzle was all wonky from the drugs he got in the hospital - that's also where he picked up the MRSa. Yay!
` Everything with the rapper was a crock! What a liar!
` There are a few happy things coming up, I suppose. I'd hate for my blog to start sounding all depressing! But hey, my life is a circus!
` Actually, yes, they are going on the website. Probably what I'll do is make a short update advertising this like I do with Cattain's Log.

` Cara! I hope you get rid of Bigmouth (and the peeing Horny Cat). Good luck!
` Oh yes, the tulips! I wonder if that area would impress someone from the Netherlands? The entire town is tulipified - there is even a tall smokestack painted like one!
` Though it didn't bother me so much before, I'm now doubly sorry I didn't bring my camera on the field trip because I think it would be nice to actually have a photo of something that is not the same-old, same-old stuff around in the ghetto!
` ...I just didn't expect to see things that were definitely worth taking photos of, like the snow geese and the dramatic landscape.... In fact, I think I was supposed to bring my camera for botanical purposes! I feel dumb now.
` Maybe if I go up there enough times in the spring I'll get another chance with the geese!
` Thanks! Luckily, it does warm up... between spells of snow and ice falling from the sky! It's almost as crazy as Ohio!
` And as for money problems - well, there's another rap artist who is actually a normal, trustworthy person who is going to pay Lou Ryan a thousand dollars for a video.
` And, a little later today, Lou Ryan is going to meet with someone who has millions of dollars and will probably lend him some money to invest for his next film! Woot!

` Phew! All that writing has made me hungry! Ciao!

Cara said...

Yay!!! Way to go Lou Ryan. I love hearing good news like that.

I hope he gets the funding for his film.

And thanks, Bigmouth is moving out this Friday. I already feel so relieved! Whooopeeee!!!



S E E Quine said...

` He got it! He did! Hooray!!

` And hip hip hooray for getting rid of Bigmouth!! Cheers all around!

` BTW, just browsing the internet - the photos of the geese I didn't take would look something like this.

angel said...

sheesh girl... thats some post!
i'm so sorry lou ryan had such griefd with the rapper- i was really hoping the jerk would come to his senses and see the video the way everyone else did.
sorry bout your neighbour too... sounds like she's gonna drive everyone near her barmy!
can't wait for the photos.

S E E Quine said...

` Oh, the rapper did like the video; he was just acting like he didn't in an attempt to not have to pay for it.

` And the motormouth neighbor - well, we've only seen her a few times since we've lived here, so I think we're safe.

` Oh yeah, photos! Er... still looking for a place to upload them to. That'll be my weekend project!

Monado said...

Can you smile sweetly and say, "Of course you don't have to pay for it as long as you return all the copies and sign an agreement not to use it. Oh, you do want to use it? Then you'll pay us for our time, of course."


I'm always doing unassertive things the first time around. Them I'm a lot more assertive the next time.

I'm practically down the road this weekend - at least on the same side of the continent, in Revelstoke, B.C. Awesome mountains around here!

S E E Quine said...

` Lol! Indeed, Monado, this is exactly why we haven't even made any copies of it yet - actually, the proper version (the one that lists our friend B-Dizzle's real stage name and not the one the rapper told Nate to use) has not even been rendered.

` Have fun in Revelstoke - 'tis but a stone's throw away from here as well!

Cara said...

Congrats to Lou Ryan

S E E Quine said...

` Thanks!
` ...Though I guess he's not quite done with that yet, because he asked me to write him a letter of recommendation to some other people.
` Wish me luck!

Cara said...

Good luck!

By the way, sorry I have not still told you a story. I've been busy...and also unable to come up with any true story :-/



S E E Quine said...

` I'm sure one will materialize at some point. Come on, don't you have any stories about... barbecuing insect larvae or something? Or perhaps a strange dream about legs?

` BTW, did you see my most recent post? I think it's hilarious! The mad doctor is actually cooking up a totally YouTube centered post. I trust it shall be odd.