Thursday, December 15, 2005

Sketches from The Sinfullest Place on Earth

` That's where we had been going to: Las Vegas (a.k.a. 'Lost Wages'), a city that has been around for over a hundred years now.

` I think we stayed at my Aunt Judy's house for a while at first, but I'm not sure. I don't exactly have my diary anymore, now do I?
` And, what do you suppose was the first thing I drew once we got to this very flashy, all-consuming, sinking speck in the desert?

` It's Milo! He was a good dog. He peed on the carpet, though, so Aunt Sis had someone kill him... or at least that's what Jerry told me. It could have been that he was already dying and peeing on the carpet was a side-effect of that, but you can't expect the straight truth from my dad.

` Now, besides being at my Aunt's house, we also stayed at my Uncle James' house. I tried to do a nice pencil sketch of his front porch, which has a huge awning with three skylights and a doormat that says; 'WIPE YOUR FEET, STUPID.' Hee.
` Unfortunately, I really managed to screw up on the shape of the door. (Not only that, but apparently I'd never bothered to brush off the eraser dust!)

` While Uncle James seemed to be almost as bipolar as my dad - and twice as drunk - he was actually less crazy and more pleasant to be around than Jerry because he didn't spend most of his time abusing me and blathering on pointlessly. Unfortunately, when James was at home, my dad was able to go after him - you should have seen the way they argued!
` Jerry would get to talking about me in front of myself for several hours, all the while James would say; "Do you know it's rude to talk about people when they're standing right there?" and my dad would retort things like; "I don't give a damn, I own her, anyway!"
` Heck, you should have heard the screaming match over the way 'Decatur' was pronounced! It escalated like this;
"I know how it's pronounced! I've lived here for how long? It's Decayder!"
` "You're wrong! It's
Deckader! I remember how it was pronounced!"
` Over and over... it was literally
hurting my ears!

` Speaking of which; each morning I'd wake up on my air mattress to the shrill, klaxon-like cacophony coming from the vocal apparatus of Apollo. He was either a yellow-headed Amazon or a yellow-naped Amazon, I don't quite remember as they're almost identical.

` Apollo really liked it when I'd get up and spend all morning by his big cage, making noises and singing songs with him. In fact, instead of only getting him to imitate me, I imitated him a lot, too.
` I could even stick my fingers through the bars - unless someone was watching! - and he'd lick them with his hot little parroty tongue. It was really weird. In fact, if I stuck my fingers through the top of the cage, he would climb up to the top and then hang from them like a trapeze artist with really long claws that needed to be trimmed. Ow.
` On the other hand, he really seemed freaked out by my mom and jumped on her head one night, biting her savagely. Another time, he leapt off his cage and made such a huge gash in her wrist that it didn't even look as if it had begun to heal for over a month!
` Go fig. James reckoned he was in love with me and so didn't feel threatened, while my mom was probably another factor in the whole thing. In fact, I felt really bad for leaving Apollo after I was back in Ohio - almost left a message for him on James' quite audible answering machine.

` Anyway, at least someone - whose brain is the size of a walnut - saw me as fun to be around rather than a burden.
` As would be expected, Jerry bragged about me constantly to James in order to show off how 'smart' I was despite allegedly being retarded, schizophrenic, and whatever other excuse he could come up for me not being able to understand his personal reality.

` Of course, he also shamed me a bunch from the framework of those convictions.

` For example, at one point we went to the Hilton and were immersed in
The Star Trek Experience. (Yes, it's not just a ride!) Near the exit, there were people dressed as Star Trek aliens, including a Klingon named Motag.
` And, wouldn't you know, I thought
I was having a good time funning around with this character and his 'Klingon ways', but my dad saw it somewhat differently: When we'd gotten back to James' house, I heard Jerry say to him; "Well, I think... I think she realized he wasn't a real Klingon."
` I froze in my footsteps, eyes wide, before quickly scurrying away to my air mattress.

` Yes, I may have been on vacation, but not from Jerry's remarks. At least I got some groovy souveniers for Phil from the nice men in the Ferengi masks. (They slickly informed me that the profiteering of Las Vegas was actually a Ferengi idea after one of their ships had crashed in Roswell.... Heh.)

` Yes, that's one keychain with three thingies attached to it, and another that could serve as a really strange mirror with Phil's name on the back. Until it rubbed off. Along with the metal plating.
` And then, the other keychain just
came apart.

` (By the way, those upside-down words are the crudely-scrawled lyrics to The Firm's song Star Trekkin' - which I now own on CD. Gee, don't I feel special?)

` I also had picked up an item of 'space western' origin:

` It was actually the only action figure I'd ever bought in my life. Yes, that is what it's supposed to be - I would have drawn some more of 'The Jar Jar Menace' had it not been for another fight between my dad and his brother.
` As it happened, I was interrupted and had to pack up to leave my uncle's house, leaving the plastic Gungan behind - hence the creatively-finished portrayals.

` I almost didn't even take my diary, but it was a good thing I had since I wasn't allowed to come back to my uncle's house ever again! Of course, now my diary's in Las Vegas anyway, assuming my dad hasn't torched it. Ironic, no?
` Also, my mother had left her tampons in the spare room dresser. I wonder what James did when he found them? I guess we'll never know!

` So... what happened after Jerry had gotten us kicked out of James' house? Tune in tomorrow for the exciting - or not-so-exciting - conclusion!


Galtron said...

You were seventeen and your dad thought you (probably) believed that guy was a 'real' Klingon?

I don't know whether to be horrified or hilarified.

Hey did he have forehead ridges or not?

S E E Quine said...

` Hee. You're not the only one to think this kind of thing is funny....
` In fact, The Swill Man told me last night that James and Jerry arguing over talking about me in front of myself was 'comedy gold'.