Ohio vs. Washington

` I love this state. Phil, EdgeWalker and I just got back from a refreshing hike to the top of the Dock Butte trail near Mount Baker, which is about 40 miles from here. (I can see Baker from my window.)
` Unlike the time Phil and I went in October, it was actually apparent whether or not the landscape existed beyond 50 feet away: This is the difference between hiking in the sun and hiking in a cloud.
` As a bonus, we got to see Lake Baker and several mountains, including Baker itself, which was making clouds out of its melting glacier. Also, the most notable animal life this time were the fly-like ants and bee-like flies that greeted us at the top of the butte, the dragonflies eating mosquitoes in the meadow pools, and a huge Steller's jay sitting on a tree trunk like this: (image linked from Mark Johnston Photos).
` The ants, which constantly flew into our facial orifices, were particularly fond of Jason's arm, which had previously been splashed with green Powerade. In case you were wondering, they don't taste very good.
` This is much unlike last time, when we saw a quail venture out of the bushes for a moment - though I'm glad to say it didn't fly into my mouth!

` Now that we're back in civilization, the men are playing Warcraft III and eating the 'giant chocolate chip lump' I made.
` It was meant to be a plate of cookies, but I didn't have a cooling rack: Instead, I heaped them onto a plate and they melted, much to our collective amusement.

` Just now, however, I've discovered that I'd gotten something I found to be humorous in my gmail account from TurkishChic (now mixed with Irish!): She sent me 'You know you're from Ohio when...' jokes, and the like.
` Kudos to you, Irish-Turkish Chic, for sending me new blog material!
` You see, I've lived both in Ohio and Washington, and I've thought a lot about comparing the differences. But, instead of doing this on my own, I've decided that comparing and explaining whichever 'stereotype' jokes that I'm the most familiar with would be much easier.
` Why? Because I'm pretty tired right now. Behold my still-humorous and witty unoriginality:


` You know you're from Ohio when...':

` Personally, I think being aware that you've lived in Ohio is a good tipoff, but I digress...

6: You're proud of your state fair, but would rather go to Cedar Point.
` Personally, I think the State Fair is more or less a blazing-hot hell-hole unless you actually enter something in it and are judged in an air-conditioned building. Even so, what got me an 'Outstanding' at the Medina County Fair didn't even get me an Honorable Mention from the Ohio State Fair.
` This is why I hate it when it's a bigot's job to judge you! I don't know what they have against people from Medina...
` Anyway, since Cedar Point is constantly building more and more extreme roller coasters which usually break previous records, I agree that it is more worth going to than any fair unless you actually participate in it!
` Even so, I think both are highly overrated and would rather go hiking any day.

7: You live less than 30 miles from some college or university.
` Those things sure do seem to be everywhere, even around Medina (Akron, Tri-C, Wayne, etc.)!

8: You know what a buckeye really is, and have a recipe for candy ones.
` I was very young when I learned that the term 'Buckeye State' refers to a large and mighty nut tree. And if Ohio is a nut tree, I reasoned, then its people must be nuts, which I often find to be true. ("You're doing such a great job, George!")
` Also, Smucker's Natural Peanut Butter (which I think is in some way related to Smucker's Insurance on the Medina square) commonly has a recipe for peanut butter and chocolate buckeyes on its lid.

9: "Toward the lake" means "north" and "toward the river" means "south."
` Ah, Lake Erie. Also known as 'north'. 'Twas the reason I had to endure ice storms in the winter, drink green water in August, and why I couldn't watch Canadian television despite being at the top f the U.S. Border.
` It's funny: We don't even get cable here, but of the three stations our antenna picks up, one is Canadian. Not that it's a desirable thing, anyway - It's stupid garbage all the same, just from another country!
` Perhaps that's something Ohioans can be thankful of Lake Erie for.

11: You know if other Ohioians are from southern or northern Ohio as soon as they open their mouths.
` It's strange - people from Southern Ohio have southern accents, but people who live further north have Chicago accents! Go fig.

13: You can spell words like Cuyahoga, Olentangy, Bellefontaine, and Tuscarawas.
` Yup, Ohio places usually have cool names, usually because they're from Native Americans!

15: You know that Serpent Mounds were not made by snakes.
` And some people don't?
` Really, if you don't know who they were made by, it may be a point of interest to know that the Native Americans who constructed these effigies lived between 800 B.C. and 100 A.D.
` Why anyone would create landscaping to look like a giant snake that aligns with the place where the sun rises or sets during certain times of year is beyond me, but they must have had a very good reason to go through all that trouble.

17: Vacation" means spending a day at Cedar Point or King's Island.
` Sad but true. We did that a lot when I was a kid, which I liked because it was a distraction from all the abuse going on in my life: Later on, however, it became a form of abuse!


` Next up, we have; 'You know you're from Washington, when...':

1: You know the state flower (Mildew).
` I'd say moss, but mildew - which I am allergic to - does seem to enjoy ruining household items.

2: You feel guilty when you don't recycle.
` Especially because there are recycling bins in our basement - unfortunately they don't empty the one for plastics, so I tend to throw plastic in the garbage.

5: You know more people who own boats than air conditioners.
` I see boats all the time out my window beyond the Naval Base, but I don't know of any person around here who possesses the ability to air-condition their own home! In fact, when we were still asking about apartments for rent, most people seemed to regard 'central air' the same way you normally would think of 'central vaccuuming'.
` And why? We don't need it! Nyah nyah!

8: You understand that if it has no snow or has not erupted, it is not a real mountain.
` That's right! >:D

9: You can taste the difference between Starbuck's, Seattle's Best, Veneto's, Peet's, and Tully's.
` Yes I can, and you may be comforted to know that Starbuck's is about the worst of them all.

10: You know the difference between Chinook, Coho, and Sockeye salmon.
` And Humpy. Yes, that's a real subspecies of salmon, but I digress.

12: You are well versed in the difference between Japanese, Chinese and Thai food.
` Thank goodness! I prefer Japanese, by the way.

13: In winter, you go to work in the dark and come home in the dark -- while only working eight-hour days.
` All work and no play makes Phil a dull boy: This is one reason I'm thankful for not having a steady job.
` However, in the summer, it's daylight until after nine thirty, and it only stays 'night' for about six or seven hours! In fact, the sky doesn't even seem to get entirely dark in late June!

14: You never go camping without waterproof matches and a poncho. You are not fazed by "Today's forecast: showers followed by rain," and "Tomorrow's forecast: rain followed by showers."
` You have to live with it during the colder months, but luckily, our pitiful excuse for rain takes a really long time to soak into your underwear.

15: You have no concept of humidity without precipitation.
` Unless it's the dry season, when dust fills the air and your eyelids stick together.

16: You can point to at least two volcanoes, even if you cannot see through the cloud cover.
` Phil is especially good at this - he seems to be able to point them out no matter what road or city or town we're at!

17: You notice "the mountain is out" when it is a pretty day and you can actually see it.
` I should point out that almost every day of June, July and August is a 'pretty day', free of clouds. Sometimes painfully so. In winter, though, a totally clear day is a novelty.

18: You put on your shorts when the temperature gets above 50, but still wear your hiking boots and parka.
` In addition, I wear sandals without socks year-round.

20: You've actually used your mountain bike on a mountain.
` I would have if my dad hadn't stolen it, but I may buy another...

21: You think people who use umbrellas are either wimps or tourists.
` Let's face it: Washingtonians' idea of 'rain' tends to be what Ohioans call 'a light drizzle'. Who needs an umbrella?


` Now onto; 'You know when you're from Cleveland...', though I'm not even from the same county! Phil always tells people we are, anyway, though... Skipping all the Big Chuck and Little John-esque things:

7: Your second car is completely dissolved by salt by the time April rolls around.
` This is why people generally have to buy new cars every six years. Mine seems to have escaped just in time.

8: The phrase "lake effect" strikes terror in your heart.
` Lake effect snow = 6 foot snow drifts. This makes driving very difficult, at least if you can manage to dig your car out and clear the driveway, including the three-foot wall of solid ice that the snow plow made on the sidewalk.
` What I find rather hilarious is the way native Washingtonians actually abandon their 4-wheel drive SUVs and Subarus at the mere sight of snowfall. What's even funnier is the fact that all the schools close when there's one inch of snow!
` If they did that in Ohio, kids couldn't go to school at all in winter - they'd have to sacrifice summer vacation for 'winter vacation'.

14: Tourists ask you what time the river catches fire.
` Not anymore, thankfully, because the authorities stopped interfering with industrial pollution control.

15: You believe the Second Coming meant the Browns returning in 1999.
` People made a big deal out of this, but I think football is not much worth paying attention to, and Cleveland's puny football team (that's never even made it to the World Series) is doubly so.

16: You don't really know any homosexuals, you just know that there are a lot of them in Lakewood.
` Kind of the opposite with me, actually.

18: You hear there are always famous people in town, but you have never seen one.
` I have a theory for this: When I was 'volunteering' for the movie American Splendor, we were shooting in completely public places (such as the Cleveland Hopkins Airport), and nobody had a clue that anything of the sort was going on. They did, however make jokes about things that seemed out of the ordinary.
` This is because showbiz people, for example, are very secretive - especially when they're filming a freaking movie!
` The trick to finding them, I've found, is to randomly stumble across them: John Ratzenberger was filming an episode of Made in America in Medina, and I happened to meet him on the square ("Hi, there, I'm your average gawking onlooker..." - yes I actually said that), but he didn't tell me what was going on at all.
` Even so, I talked to him, didn't I?

19: You hate country music, don't know anyone that does like country music, and yet WGAR just won the country music station of the year.
` Yet another mystery of the cosmos...

22: The Tri-C jingle "students for life" scares the hell out of you.
` That's why I stopped going!

23: You take Dead Man's Curve at 60 mph holding your breath.
` Thankfully, I've never had the pleasure.

25: "Good Morning from the Buzzard Morning Zoo" is a jingle you'll never forget.
` See 23.

27: You actually know how to pronounce Cuyahoga.
` "Kai-a-HOE-ga."

29: You see Christmas lights still up in July.
` Laziness in action!

30: You love BW-3, but have no clue what the heck weck is.
` I personally have never been to Buffalo Wild Wings and Weck, but I'm still trying to figure that out.

31: You find yourself singing "Garfield 1-2323" in the shower.
` While I do remember that damn jingle; 'Garfield one, two-three two-three!' I can't remember what commercial it was from!

32: You're still dumbfounded by the Leaping Fountain in Tower City.
` Not so much dumbfounded as somewhat perturbed by the idea of water that dances to music.

33: You have never ridden in a taxi.
` RTA rules!

34: You wear shorts the first day of the year it isn't below 30 and snowing, just because you can.
` And my sandals (without socks)!

44: You know Tower City isn't a city at all.
` Yes, it's actually a giant mall, which is sometimes portrayed in the Tom Batiuk comic strips Funky Winkerbean and Crankshaft.
` P.S. - Montoni's Pizza corresponds to some building or another on the Medina square.


` Finally, let's do 'You know you're from Seattle, if...', which I'm also not even in the same county with, but whatever!

1: You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown, and you can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian.
` Despite the fact that there's a coffee kiosk in every parking lot in Everett (including our back driveway), I'm not a big coffee drinker - though I do prefer Columbian over Arabican for the most part.

6: You obey all traffic laws EXCEPT "keep right except to pass."
` Sure, doesn't everyone?

7: You know at least eight people who work for either Microsoft or Boeing.
` Phil, Luke, and Brian all went straight out of OSU and into Boeing (EdgeWalker nearly did, too), and it seems that every other person you meet around here has worked there at one time or another.

9: You know what Lutefiske is.
` After Phil's church service is over, it isn't uncommon for someone to bring pickled herring. It's actually sold here in big jars as a 'party snack'.

10: You personally know someone from Alaska.
` Not very closely, but I see an awful lot of license plates from there.

12: You know how to pronounce "Sequim", "Puyallup" and "Issaquah."
` 'SKWIM,' 'pyoo-AL-lup, IS-sa-quah, and don't forget Tulalip (too-LEY-lip)! Being that these are probably gross bastardizations of the original Native American words, I would imagine that they aren't very accurate anyway.

21: When you're discussing rainforests and volcanoes, you're NOT talking about Hawaii.
` I just love living in a rainforest area - it's completely different on the other side of the mountains! The climate is so mild that what Washintonians might call 'manic-depressive weather' would be referred to by Ohioans as a 'meteorological mood-swing'. (In Ohio, 80-degree weather followed by a blizzard or vice-versa is not uncommon during spring and fall.)
` The volcanos are cool, too (but not for people living near them), and it is nice to be in an Agricultural Zone of 8.

25: The guy at 8:30 am at Starbucks wearing the baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like Phyllis Diller is really a trans named Eva Destruction that used to play with Hole.
` I just love it.
` Incidentally, I live on the opposite corner of our block from Everett's main piece of distinctly Seattle-like liberalistic culture; the rowdy gay bar. I just love it when they do karaoke...

27: Your mayor is straight, 1/2 your friends are gay, the man who delivers your mail has a bumper sticker that reads "when they pry it from my cold dead fingers....", and your Burger World drive thru order taker was a computer millionaire last week.
` All true - though the only fast food I have eaten this year has largely consisted of veggie subs. I've also had a couple of Taco Bell 1 lb bean burritos al fresco (they don't have cheese, but they have this really great sauce!). Why? They're only one dollar and we were really short on cash.


` Speaking of saving money, we stopped at a farmer's market along the way home. We got a vivid purple cauliflower, some peaches, pears, apples and mangoes, four ears of sweet corn, celery, several carrots, a bunch of scallions, one walla-walla onion, one red onion, and a zuchinni that some lady had broken in two but wouldn't take.
` And how much do you suppose all this had cost us? Eighteen dollars? Not even close - all of that was only $7.71! Oh, Quine loves the local produce!

` One more thing: I think you will find it of some amusement to know that during the entire time I've been writing this, a very drunk man has been going up and down the sidewalk, harrassing some woman in B-Building, yelling such phrases as; "Hey, baby!"
` Near completion of this article, I am happy to say that a police officer pulled up and talked with him a few minutes. When they parted ways, I noticed that there was a dark patch between the drunken man's legs! I surmised to the Swill Man that he must have peed his pants at some point.

` Well, I should get some sleep.